Butter, Periods, Babies and Running

Like a suppressed yawn, my tears have waited.

You know the feeling?  You go to yawn and it's not the right time or your yawn is interrupted and when you do try to get that oh-so-satisfying yawn to come, it just won't.  No amount of trying can get that same satisfaction...

My tears.  I worked so hard to suppress them that now that I'm open to them flowing, they won't.  The lump forms in my throat, my eyes start to water, I open my heart and... nothing.  Zip.  Zilch.  Zero.

Deep breath.

On Monday, I felt myself getting a cold.  On Tuesday, Cory, Brenton and I ran errands and as the hours ticked by, my cold got worse.  By Tuesday night it had downright smacked me in the face and I was miserable. 

However, before I was downright miserable, I had a job that needed to be done.  I had committed to making cookies for Jackson's class and the butter was sitting on the counter getting nice and soft.  After dinner I went to start the cookies and noticed that Cory had moved the butter onto the stove to help soften it.  He was trying to be helpful.  I went to pick up the butter and it was far too melted to use for the cookies.  I took a deep breath, knowing Cory was only trying to help, knowing that now I needed to get more butter out to soften, knowing and yet I couldn't calm myself down.  I stepped out of the kitchen and the tears started flowing.  I stood there crying over melted butter...

My world might as well have fallen apart.  

Fast forward a couple of hours when my cold had gotten worse and we're getting ready for bed.  I made my final visit to the toilet and what do you know...  there it was in all it's glory.  My period.  Lovely.  Two days before I was expecting it.  I started to cry...

"Now, I have to be on my period too???  I'm miserable!  I feel like crap!  I HATE my period!!!"

My world might as well have been ending.

I was crying over my period.

Although my week was spent miserably on the couch, I was able to get a smile out of the fact that while I may not have cried about my brother, I was able to at least cry.  Even if it was over the most ridiculous things :)

On Friday, a dear friend stopped by and told me that she was pregnant.  Tears of joy sprang to my eyes and although I had told her to keep her distance due to my cold, I stood crying...

"I just want to hug you!"

Thankfully, she allowed me to hug her.  I just promised not to breathe on her.

Thankful for appropriate tears :)

Yesterday, my cold started to lift a bit and I was able to function better than I had all week.  However, around mid day my congested head told me to lay down.  I turned on the TV and discovered that "Stepmom" was on.  Bring on the ugly tears...

And last night?  PS I Love You played across my TV screen.  And more tears...

Right now, I'm just trying to let those tears come when they want to.  I'm trying to be gracious with myself.  I'm glad that at least I can get a smile from those not so appropriate tears and am glad that at least some of my tears are, in fact, appropriate.  Baby steps :)

As for running?  Oh, how I miss it!  I have not ran in a week and a half.  Between resting last weekend and being sick this week, not one bead of sweat has formed on my brow.  No running shoelaces have been tied.  No miles have been recorded.  Nothing.  And as the days pass, I wonder if my body will know what to do when it is able to run again.  I wonder when I'll get that time with God.  I wonder and I'm so ready... 

I had hoped today would be the day.  Alas, this cold will not budge.  The gunk is still coming from my nose and my lungs and I pray that, maybe, tomorrow will be the day.  However, I know that it's not the end of the world if it's not.  The run will be there, waiting for my return.  The fresh air beckons.  My Heavenly Papa knows exactly when our next running date will be.  Thankfully, He doesn't need the run to spend time with me.  And thankfully, I realize I don't need that run to spend time with him.  He's always here :)  For that, I am oh so thankful!