Found

16 miles almost 2 weeks post marathon.

16 miles in the pouring rain.

16 miles in the hills.

16 miles in new shoes that I'm still unsure of.

16 miles on a knee that needs plenty of stretching.

16 miles that had me more anxious than I've been in a long time.

What if I can't?

What if my body won't??

My goal was to start slow and get progressively faster, but never push it. 

My goal was to keep it easy.  Or, as easy as 16 miles, 2 weeks post marathon, in the hills, in the pouring rain can be.

9:17
9:10
8:59

These make me smile.  Almost perfectly on my target of 9:20, 9:10 and 9:00...

8:59
8:45 - 1st fuel - Clif shot gel
8:45

More smiles at the consistency of these miles...

8:43
8:57

This is where I hit the turn-around point.  This is where I had a decision to make.  I could either turn around and head back up the hill, or, I could be a pansy and stay on the relatively flat roads and just do a loop.  I decided to "Find My Strong" since I could tell my "weak" was just about all used up.

8:53
8:55 - 2nd fuel - Clif shot gel
8:58

Getting tired and sore.  Anticipating the 1 mile climb ahead of me...

9:30 (1 mile uphill)

Stopped to stretch my knee and catch my breath.  That hill gets me every time.  I just kept repeating...

"Oh, I'm running to your arms,

I'm running to your arms,

The riches of your love,

Will always be enough.

Nothing compares to your embrace,

light of the world,

forever reign"

I kept thinking...

"Maybe strong is just what you have left, when you've used up all your weak.  Find your strong!"

9:11
9:10
9:01

It took every ounce of will and strength to keep going.  My body was telling me it wanted to walk the last mile home.  I was sore.  My knee wanted more stretches - of which I did oblige.  And then, I pushed to my finish line.

8:49

I finished up as achy as I am after 26.2.

I finished up completely pooped.

I finished.

I accomplished what I set out to do.

16 miles.

In the hills.

In the rain.

At an easy pace.

Done.

I used up my weak.

I found my strong.

4 weeks, 2 days until race day.

Off To Find My Strong

16 miles in the hills.

Belly anxious as ever.

What if I can't?

What if I don't?

What if my body won't?

"Maybe strong is just what you have left, when you've used up all your weak."  Saucony

Find Your Strong

LA Stats and Pics

It's a shame that I am not competitive with others.  If I was, these stats would be amazing!  I finished faster than the majority.  Shoot, I even ran faster than Alison Sweeney's 4:30 and Sean Austin's 4:25.  However, I don't truly care about their times.  I wanted to be faster.  About 30 minutes faster... 

 And, if I was truly honest, I would admit that this smile was not heartfelt.  But, it still makes me smile...

There is no smile in this picture.  I was running the last stretch.  I was hurting.  I was focused.  I love it.  And, do you see the phone in my hand??  Thank you to everyone who texted me such wonderful words of encouragement!  I truly needed them!

Dear 26.2

Dear 26.2,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that while running in LA, thoughts such as this crossed my mind...

I don't want to do this again...

Maybe 13.1 is my distance...

What am I thinking?

How is this fun?

I'm sorry that I doubted my love for you.

As I looked through race day photos today I realized something...

You, 26.2, my marathon, are my favorite.

You make me smile.

I look through those pictures.  Some show pain.  Some show a smile.

But, do you know what they all show?

Strength.

Perseverance.

Hard work.

Faithfulness.

There is something about them.

I almost don't recognize myself.

There almost seems to be a glow.

As if the joy that I feel when I'm running seeps through.

Even in pain, there is joy.

Just like even in fog, there is still light.

God's light.

That's what it all comes down to.

26.2, thank you!

Thank you for being there.

For providing me so much time with my God.

And to be completely honest,

I'm very very thankful that I don't have to wait that long to see you again.

I'm thankful you are not months, but weeks away.

Until then,

I will be running.

I will be smiling.

I will be training.

I will be praying.

I will be praising.

And when I toe your line again, I pray that I am able to enjoy all that you have to offer.

Yes, even the pain.

Fondly,
Meredith  

Mama's Got a New Pair of Shoes

I headed to my local running store yesterday to get a new pair of kicks.

You see, mine, my hefty duty, Saucony Stabils, were on their last leg :)

I had attempted to run 12 miles yesterday morning with sweet Julie, but only made it to 7.5 before I was hobbling back to the car with knee pain.

At first, I attributed my knee pain to the fact that I had just run a marathon on Sunday.

And then, I realized, I was over 400 miles on my shoes. 

The point when my shoes start causing me pain.

Off I went and the "conditions were perfect" as Flight of the Conchords would say...

My favorite running store was having a sale on EVERYTHING!

And I only had 2 kiddos with me.

Perfect!

I am very loyal to my local running store.  I would rather go there and know that I am getting exactly what I need.  I would rather go there so I can have all my questions answered.  I would rather go there and support them then try and find a less expensive pair of shoes that may or may not be just what I need.

My local running store is my Disneyland.  I remember going one time with my husband and as we walked out he said, "I think you have a little pee running down your leg."  I get that excited.  To feel the running tights, shorts and shirts.  To pick up my fuel.  I could probably just sit on the bench, in complete silence, and have a smile on my face.

I had one of my favorite employees helping me.  Very knowledgeable.  Very patient.  A blessing to this girl who gets flustered and has so much to learn.  I told him I needed a new pair of shoes and he asked what ones.  I told him the Stabils, but that I was also interested in trying on the equivalent in Brooks.  I truly did not want to waste his time, but I'd been told about the Brooks and I was very intrigued.  He brought both pairs out, put the Brooks on my feet and let me take them for a little test drive in front of the store.

I didn't love them.

I know that people do, but I didn't.

I was talking to my Mom about shoes the other day.  That just because a shoe is a good shoe, does not mean it's a good shoe for everyone.  Our feet are not one size fits all.

These Brooks, were not good for me.

Then, he asked me a question.  And another.  He got a gauge of my running.  What I was training for.  How many miles I run.  And then...

"When was the last time you had your gait analyzed?"

I had my gait analyzed over 2 years ago when I first started running.  At that time, the Saucony Stabils were the 1st of 3 pairs that I tried on and my favorite by far.

My Stabils have taken me far.  They are sturdy.  They help with my overpronation.  They have kept me free of injury.

However, yesterday, I was told that it was probably time to graduate (okay, my words.  Not his.)

He had me hop on the treadmill and then we looked over the video.

And interesting thing... 

I definitely overpronate on my right side.  However, my left side stays in perfect, neutral position.

We talked about my stride, how my foot hits the ground, cadence...

And then, he brought them out...

1 pair of Saucony Omni 10s and 1 pair of Asics Kayano's.

Both of them looked so pretty :)

The Asics were first.  Oh, I really liked them.

Then, the Sauconys.  Oh, I REALLY liked them too!

Saucony on the left.  Asics on the right.

OH!!

If I could only buy both.

But, I could feel my heart pulling for the Sauconys.  They are my shoes after all.  They've gotten me far.  They've taken care of my body.  My Sauconys.

But, what if the Asics were better for me?

Decisions.  Decisions.

My heart said Saucony.

My mind said, but what if the Asics are better for me?

I don't want my loyalty to keep me from trying something that might be better for me.

My heart said Saucony.

Then, while my heart pulled to the Saucony's I asked, "What's the cost?"  Maybe that would help me decide...

Saucony - $110

Asics - $150

Um.  Yeah.

My heart shouted  Saucony :)

And, I graduated to much cuter shoes :)

And, of course they're Sauconys.

Sauconys are my shoe. 

Why would I even think that my heart would pull toward any other??

Hello, Meredith!

Although I did not want to get up this morning when the alarm went off, once I was up, I noticed something different.

As I made coffee, got the kids breakfast and made lunches, I noticed something different.

And then, I realized...

Oh, there you are!!!

The fog had lifted.

The fog that has covered me all week.

The fog that has had me in tears.

The fog that has held disappointment.

The fog that has had me tired.  Couch potatoed.  And not wanting to talk to friends.

It had lifted. 

I was back.

I was present.

I was smiling.

I saw a glimpse of myself yesterday morning as I heard the giggles throughout my house.

Beautiful snow had fallen Wednesday night and we awoke to about 3" of gorgeous, fluffy, snow on the ground.  The kids had a 2 hour late start and as soon as they were done with breakfast, Jackson, Ella and Brenton bundled up and headed outside.

I stood at the window.  Gazing.  Smiling.  My cup was overflowing.  I could not be more blessed.

And then, yesterday afternoon, B and I snuggled in my favorite chair, snuggled underneath my favorite blanket, in my favorite room, in front of a toasty warm fire.  He played his DS.  I read Catching Fire.  There was a consistent flow of,

"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you!"
"I love you too, Buddy!"

"Brent?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you!"
"I love you too!"

Kisses on heads and cheeks.

Heart full.

Cup overflowing.

Smiling.

God is good.

So, this morning, as I realized that the fog had lifted, I looked forward to the day.  I looked forward to running outside.  I looked forward to some peace and quiet with God.

Our little piece of the world was actually covered in a thick fog this morning.  Fog that had me thinking of a dear friend who reminded me to remember that the fog seems thickest right before it lifts.  She reminded me of this before the marathon and to me, this covers not only running, but life.

And with that, I'm fairly certain that she will always be with me on my foggy runs.

And when the fog seems to have descended on my own mind, I'll think of her too.

This morning, I praised the Lord for the gift of running.  For smiles and fog.  I praised and prayed for my dear friend as we spent 6 glorious miles together.  Her.  God.  And me. 

I'm thankful for these moments of "clarity".  When my brain starts working again.  When I see things in a different light.  When I am not shut off.  When deep breaths come easy and often.  When I'm smiling inside and out.

It's pretty much my favorite :)

My clear head has started thinking ahead.

Thinking of Eugene.  Excited.  Not dreading.  Excited.  Not overwhelmed.

However, besides the blisters, LA gave me another unwelcome gift.

Doubt.

Or, perhaps, it was just a dose of reality.

As Ashley pointed out today, I've had more good runs with good paces than bad.  Unfortunately, LA was not one of those good days.

And, it has caused me to have different expectations of Eugene.

A mind that sees my paces written out and sees that 3:45 can happen with a very conservative start.

A mind that then says, oh, but a 3:50 would still be so nice.

A mind that then says, truly, even a sub 4:00 would be beautiful.

Before LA, I never doubted that I could hit any of those times.

Doubt.

Or reality.

Or a bit of both.

As it's said, over and over and over again, respect the distance.  Anything can happen on race day.  Anything.  Be prepared.  Bring your best.  Give your best.

And then, praise the Lord that you get to be running at all!

What Went Right/What Went Wrong

What Went Right

I relied, with my whole mind, body and soul, on my God.

HE got me to that finish line.

I hydrated well all week.

I rested.

I ate well.

I may have felt like I had gained 20 lbs, but as of Saturday morning when I stepped on the scale, nothing was gained.

I was positive.  I did not let the suck monkey take me down.  At no time during the race did I question my ability, I only mourned for what I knew the race should be.

I made it to the starting line with no injury, no doubt, only a smile and praise for my Savior.

I prayed for friends.

I was thankful.

I cherished, savored...

I relied on God.

What Went Wrong 

Excuse the gross foot shot.  This post is for me...

That angry red spot?  That's what's left of the blister.  The one that popped during the marathon.  The one that made you scream out in pain.  Yeah.  That one. 

The one on the other foot is a bit smaller. 

I keep trying to figure this one out.  Blisters.  I haven't gotten a blister since marathon #1 and that was from the seam that rubbed the outside of my toe. 

Blisters.

I ran all of my long runs in the socks I wore on race day.

I never glide my feet on my long runs.

Blisters.

The only thing I can figure is that yes, 26.5 is more that 22, but they started at mile 8...

My next theory, there were A LOT of up and down hill sections.  A lot!  More than my body is used to.  My shins and quads are still screaming at me and that only reiterates this fact.  What I think happened is my foot slid back and forth.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  My foot was not happy.

What I think happened is that months ago I was told my shoes may be a size too big.

I had no problems with them so I changed nothing.

Perhaps, the fact that they are a size too big+the hills=blisters.

I have a bit of an anxiety problem.  I've wondered before and I'm sure I'll wonder again, does the build up, the anxiety, the pressure?  Do these things cause a negative effect on my body?  What do I do about that?

Was I over confident?

I keep wondering about my beginning pace.

But, really, it wasn't that I hit a wall.  I just flat out was in pain with every step.

Regardless, here are the splits.  Remember, this is for me.  This is to learn.  Not to be embarrassed by (this is MY pep talk)

8:19
8:16

These look fast, but really there were BIG downhills and I was just going for a ride.  I felt like it would be a waste to hold back and this is what my 3:40 pace called for.

8:32
8:33

Still close to paces.  Going up hills.

8:46
8:50

This was the big hill by the concert hall.

8:25
8:12

And down we go again.

8:47
8:49

And up.

9:41 - I think this is where I stripped off my shirt
8:46

Pain.

8:45
9:08

Pushing.

10:34
9:41

Pushing.  Ready to quit.

11:04 - Send out a text
10:26 - Walk up a hill

11:26
12:12

Refilling water.  Crying.  Reading texts of encouragement.

10:18
10:52

Really still trying to "run"

9:36
10:09

That was me pushing as fast as I could.

Forgot to turn my watch off, but I must have had some sort of kick.  Best time says 8:03

It's hard for me to look at these paces.  To watch it slip away.

All I can do is learn from this experience and hold on to the fact that my God got me to that finish line.

Regardless of the fact that I did not meet my goal, I did have an amazing experience.  The people who put on the LA Marathon did an amazing job.  They seem to have learned from their mistakes from the past and put on an awesome, awesome marathon! 

As I rest my body, I prepare for #3. 

Eugene.

I already have a plan.  But, plans can change.  For now, I'm thinking my pacing will look like my 16 mile training runs.

9:10
9:05
9:00
8:50
8:40
8:30
And then hang in the 8:20 for as long as my strong body and mind will hold on :)

I think that this is the best plan for me.  It's what my body seems to like.  I believe it's what will help me get closer to my goal.  Because, truly, every step closer, is still closer.

Heart Vs. Head - LA Marathon Recap

I woke up at 6:45 Saturday morning and glanced at the clock.  Excitement filled my body.  Knowing, the very next day, I would be toeing the line for the LA Marathon.

 Mom and I had a quick flight down to L.A. and headed over to the expo at Dodger Stadium.  It was amazing just being there.  Ready.  Prepared.  Finally there.

 

My Babysitter when I was little, Me, Mom

It had rained sideways on Saturday morning and was VERY wet.  A new use for pallets - bridges!

On Saturday night, Mom, Dianne (my old babysitter) and I headed to the Team Parkinson dinner.  It was awesome to be there.  Hearing stories of what Team Parkinson is doing for the Parkinson community and I even got to me Mohammed Ali's daughter, May May!  She was so incredibly nice!

 

 After dinner, we headed back to the hotel and took a look around.  We stayed at the Biltmore and it was beautiful!  I also found out that's where the Academy Awards used to be held.  We walked down the hall looking at the old pictures of movie stars.

Back in the room, excited as can be I laid out my gear...

 Crawled in bed...

And tossed and turned all night long.  I'm guessing I slept for about an hour.  Thankfully, I had slept great on Friday night!

4:30 and the alarm went off.  I bounded out of bed.  My head was ready.  My heart overflowed.  I got dressed and sat down with Sharpie in hand.  I had asked if anyone wanted a mile of prayers...

Of course, God didn't ask for prayers :) However, He is the Alpha and Omega.  The beginning and end.  I wouldn't be running this race without Him.

My verse

Flashing gang signs?  An action shot?  Not sure what Mom was taking a picture of :)

My beautiful Mom and I right before we headed out the door - 5:30

Throw away clothes on.  Posing in the lobby.

No, those aren't both mine :)  I was holding Mom's coffee, too.

I arrived at Dodger stadium and headed to the potty lines.  There was a ton of potties and tons of people.  I stood there for awhile.  Texting with my husband.  Loving that even though he was miles away, he was right there with me.  He is the best.  The absolute best!  I love you Babe!

As I finished up in the potty, I noticed there was NO sanitizer!  What???  And I'm supposed to have my fuel in my hands.  I jogged towards the corrals, hoping to find sanitizer and what do I hear, "Hey, do you have sanitizer?"  I turned to see a guy asking his mom.  She said, "yes!"  I stopped in my tracks.  Turned around, "Can I have some too??"  Oh, to be at a race :)

Off I went to the line to get into the corral.  Confused as there were both open and seeded corrals.  I was in a seeded corral, but there were tons of people in that line that were not seeded.  I stood chatting with 2 guys in line as we all started to worry about the 7:00 closing of the seeded corrals.  7:00 hit and the guys held my spot as I went up front to check things out.  I was going to wave at them if I got in.  Of course, there was no way I could see them from the front.  So, what does a girl do??  She climbs up on the fence to yell at them to go to the front of the line.  Yes, that was me yelling, "If you have a letter in front of your number, go to the front of the line!!"

I got situated.  Smiled big.  Giggled to myself a bit.  I was ready.  There was not an ounce of me that held any doubt.  I knew I had put in the hard work.  My training, my paces, it all pointed to what I was capable of.  I felt like I had a very realistic range.  3:38-3:45.  I was ready to kick some marathon butt and take names.

The elite females took off.  Then the wheelchair racers.  One of Pussycat Dolls sang the National Anthem and we took off.  It was amazing!  I smiled.  I glanced at my watch.  10:49.  This will not do!

I weaved and followed others as we got around the masses.  Up one hill, down another, I couldn't believe I was running in LA.  Smile...

I was feeling great.  I was praying.  I was hitting my paces.  Mentally preparing for a brutal hill around mile 4.  I had heard of this hill.  I had been pep talking for this hill.  And while it was a serious hill, I knew my Mom would be at the top.  I pushed on and saw her way across the street, "Pam!!!!", I yelled.  She saw me, I smiled big, off I went...

This was at the top of the hill!  An amazing building - the Disney Concert Hall

I love looking at that sequence of pictures.  23,000 runners.  That's how many I was told ran this race.  23,000.  The beginning was congested, but since the roads were entirely closed, it never felt crowded.  It was awesome to see the hundreds of people surrounding me at all times.

Still feeling decent, ready to tackle this thing.  Taken aback at the number of hills we were ascending and descending.  As much as I studied that course map, I really was not prepared for this.

The miles passed.  I prayed.  I thanked the Lord.  Smiling...

Somewhere around mile 7 I see a screen up ahead.  I run over a timing mat.  I see text messages and videos flashing on the screen and then, there she is, my sweet friend Amy, "Go, Mere, Go!!"  A gulp.  A little cry.  I fire on.

Mile 8.  My right foot is on fire.  I feel a blister on the ball of my foot.  Between my 1st and 2nd toe.  Crap.

Mile 9.  Oh my word.  My left foot too.  With each step comes the fire.  With each step I wince.  I begin breaking up the miles.

Mile 10.  Come on, Meredith!  My feet hurt so bad.  I do not know how I can finish this.  16 more miles.  Remember, Meredith??  16!!  It's your favorite distance for a training run!!  Smile!  You're running in LA.  If Meb can run crazy fast, with a blister that would eventually become infected, you can do this!  16!

"You are good, you are good,

when there's nothing good in me.

You are hope, you are hope,

on display for all to see.

You are HERE, you are HERE,

in your presence I'm made whole.

You are GOD, you are GOD,

of all else I'm letting go.

Oh, I'm running to your arms,

running to your arms,

the riches of your love,

will always be enough,

nothing compares to your embrace.

Light of the world, forever reign"

YOU are my lamp, oh Lord.

YOUR way is perfect.

You are my rock.

PLEASE make my feet like the feet of a deer.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

PLEASE get me to the finish line.

His way IS perfect.

I repeated these songs, these words, these prayers.  Over and over and over...

His way is perfect.

 

Half way.

I'm slipping.

My goal is slipping.

I'm trying to hold on.

 Somewhere around here, my long sleeve shirt that had guarded me from the breeze became too much.  I pulled over, threw my belt to the ground, removed my singlet, threw it to the ground, stripped off my shirt, tied it around my waste, put my singlet back on, put my belt back on, laughed at myself and headed on my way...

Up hills, down hills, flat, then up again.  And down.

Some of the hills I was able to "ride".  To pick up my pace.  Others, felt so steep that I just held on to not fall.

Feet burning.

Crying.

Another message board ahead.  Just as I get ready to pass it, my Amy's face, her voice,  "Go, Mere!!  Run like a Mother!!!"

Crying.

Wanting to text my husband.

Wanting to stop the pain.

Keep running, Meredith!  Do not stop!

And then, I just couldn't.  I was either going to stop altogether or I was going to cry out for help.  I texted Cory and a few friends...

"My feet are killing me.  I want to quit.  Pray."

I cried with each step.  I winced with each step.  My feet were on fire.  

8 more miles.

7.

I ran with my phone in hand.  Needing replies to my text.  Thankful for each one that came in.  Yes.  That was me.  Running, reading, crying, praying.

His way is perfect.

No excuses.

You can still get in under 4:00

GO!!

2 times I stopped to fill up my water bottles.

1 time I walked up a short hill.

My goal became to just get to that finish line.

And, come in less than my Vancouver time.

Please.

6.

POP!

In an instant, my foot hurt even more.  I felt the blister explode and I actually yelled out, "SON OF A GUN!!!  That really hurt!"

Yes.  That was me yelling at no one.  Just yelling.

Crying.

Wincing.

Almost there.

They could see my face as I ran by.

I could see it in there faces as they yelled, "looking strong, Meredith!!  You've got this!!  You're almost there."

Every time, I let out a disgusted laugh under my breath.  

This was not strong.

My strong was 3:40.

They were wrong.

I was failing.

If they only knew.

I counted down the miles until I would see my Mom's face.  I just wanted her face.  She would be around mile 25.  I could get to mile 25.  Then, I would only have 1 more mile.  Well, 1.5 really.  My Garmin was off by over a 1/4 mile the entire race.

It was sick.  But I laughed a little.  Not the happy, funny kind of laugh.  But, the kind that comes as you look around and see that you're "running" with hundreds of people and you all look like the walking dead.  People were dropping like flies, one had just collapsed screaming on the side of the road.  Another, laying quietly, in pain in the grass.  More and more walking.  Dropping.  It wasn't funny.  Truly.  But, what else do you do?

Wincing.  

Almost there.

Pushing.

The faster you make yourself go, the faster you will get there.

Go!

Then, I see Mom.  My friend since kindergarten, Rebecca, her Mom, and then...

Is that Amy?

No, that's not Amy.

Wait, is that AMY???

I grabbed her hand as I raced to the finish.

Pushing.

Crying.

Wincing.

No excuses.

Giving every ounce of everything I had.

Done.

4:12:01

Smiling.

I made it.

I wasn't disappointed.

I almost didn't get there at all.

I sent a picture to Cory, got my medal, got some water and found a spot to sit, stretch and call my sweet husband.  I longed to have him by my side and I was so thankful to be able to sit and enjoy the moment "with" him.

I made it out of the finishers area and looked for my Mom and friends.  Giving up.  I sat on the grass and called them.  What a blessing to have them all there.  Amy had driven from Phoenix to Palm Springs on Saturday and then she and her Dad had driven to LA that morning.  An amazing surprise.  An amazing friend.  So blessed!

Mom's view while waiting for me to emerge from the finishers area.  It was packed!

See that joy??  I need to stare at this longer.  THAT is a happy face!  THAT is a blessed girl!

Rebecca and I

Amazing!

We removed my shoes and holy cow!  The blister on my right foot, had indeed popped, and it went from the ball of my foot, between my toes to the front of my foot and up both my 1st and 2nd toes.  The one on my left foot only seems to be on the ball of my foot right under my toe.

Amy, Rebecca and I

We headed off to lunch and soon, Amy and her Dad headed on their way and we were off to the airport.

The airport?

Oh yes.

The airport.

Was there a shower anywhere in there?

Nope.

Check out was at 1:00.  We could have paid $50 for 2 more hours but, I'd rather eat and spend time with friends than spend $50 for a shower.

I stripped off my race clothes in the car.  Wiped myself down with some baby wipes.  And put on my Sugoi compression tights, dry shoes, my new (favorite of all time) race shirt and, of course, my medal :)

Of course I was going to wear my medal home.

I was the stinky marathon runner in her running clothes, wearing her medal, walking through the airport.

You're welcome travelers.

 

 

 It wasn't until we were in the airport and I was sitting, waiting, that it hit me.

Right in the face.

Disappointment.

I had failed.

And the worst part?

If only I hadn't shared my dream.

If only I had kept it to myself.

I wouldn't feel so stupid.

I would know that I had failed.

No one else would know.

Rational?

I'm told no.

I'm told I was strong.

I'm told I was a warrior.

I'm told that they're proud.

My heart and my head battle.

One is thankful to have finished, thankful to have PR'd, knowing HIS way is perfect.  God knew how it would go.  It is good.  A learning experience.  Thankful for all the messages of congratulations, of love.  Ready to tackle Eugene.  Ready to go on a run today even though she knows her feet would not be happy.

The other, is a cynic.  Frustrated.  Weeping.  Attacked by the "if only's".  Embarrassed.  Trying to wrap it's head around the fact that a 4:12:01 is so very far from what I believed I was capable of.  Thinking that 1/2's and leisurely 26.2's sound like much more fun.   Still longing for a leisurely, mind clearing, run today.

An odd place for this head and this heart.  LA was an amazing experience!  The course was beautiful and interesting and quite "colorful".  The volunteers and course support was beyond anything I could imagine.  The weather, that threatened of a terrible storm, was beautiful.  My Mom was there.  My good friends too.  Oh, and I forgot to mention that I saw Deena Kastor along the course too!  It was definitely something to cherish.  And, I will.  I promise.

I think, for now, I will work through all these crazy emotions.  I will fight off the mental demons that tell me I failed.  I will cling to God's goodness and the fact that He did, in fact, get me to that finish line.  I will look forward to Eugene.  I will give myself motivational speeches :)  After all...

“For You are my lamp, O Lord;
The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.
³⁰ For by You I can run against a troop;
By my God I can leap over a wall.
³¹ As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

³² “For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
³³ God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
³⁴ He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places."

2 Samuel 22:29-34

His Way

Years ago, as I was drowning in diapers and baby spit up, God was very gracious in giving me a gift of His words.

And while, tomorrow, I'm getting to do something I love.

And, tomorrow, I'm choosing to run this 26.2.

And, tomorrow, I'm  choosing to make myself hurt.

I know that, tomorrow, I will be praising my Heavenly Father.

I know that, tomorrow, I will get precious time with Him.

I know that, tomorrow, I will call upon Him for strength.

And, as I've sat in bed countless times this week.  Looking at the clock at 6:45.  Knowing I'll be in my starting corral at 6:45 tomorrow morning.  I've heard these words.  Words that I've carried with me through the years.  Words that have a whole new meaning when it comes to tackling 26.2...

“For You are my lamp, O Lord;
The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.
³⁰ For by You I can run against a troop;
By my God I can leap over a wall.
³¹ As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

³² “For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
³³ God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
³⁴ He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places."

2 Samuel 22:29-34

He is my lamp.

By my God I can leap over a wall.

His way is perfect.

He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

God is my strength and power.

He makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer.

He is amazing.

I would not be doing this if it weren't for my God.  My Heavenly Papa.  He has blessed me with this gift.  Here we go!

 

Smiles

I have been beyond blessed with what seems like 100's of smiles this week...

Tuesday morning brought a surprise snowfall that resulted in a 2 hour late start for the kiddos and lots of giggles and snuggles in our jammies.  An incredible treat.  A blessing.  An amazing gift.

Wednesday morning came bright and early when I decided that I would get up at 5:45.  When I was certain it would not still be pitch dark outside.  When I was certain I would be excited for my final round of repeats before the marathon.  I was going to leave at 6:15.  I sat, snuggled under my blanket, drinking my coffee and cruising FB.  I could hear G telling me to get out the door.  Asking me how badly I wanted it.  I finally made it to the track and started my run at 6:45.  I glanced at the schedule before I left and for whatever reason, had it in my head that I was to run 2x1600@7:14.  I nailed it, with both coming in at 7:13!  And later discovered I was actually supposed to run 7:16's.  A blessing.  A gift.

Wednesday's smiles continued as I dropped B off at preschool and headed across town to meet Julie and her sweet Kate and Ashley to get our nails painted.  My sweet Julie was treating me to a pedicure as an early birthday/send off to LA present.  It felt amazing to be with friends and be pampered.  An amazing blessing.  An incredible gift.

Purple toes to match my purple tank :)

Thursday, sweet G, a woman I've never actually met but hold so very dear, wrote me this...  And made me weep :)  And smile :)

This morning, I headed out for my last run.  3 easy miles.  I have remained unsure of what to wear on race day.  The forecasts have been calling for stormy weather and high winds.  I was fairly certain I would be wearing my Lulu shorts, but was not sure if I should wear just a tank or a long sleeve shirt too.  This morning, I wore shorts and long sleeves and was very warm.  And it was 10 degrees cooler than LA :)  Tank it is!  As I ran that 1st mile, I focused on taking it easy.  I tried not to focus on the fact that my legs are pasty white and I was a little embarrassed to be so exposed.  Worried about scarring the poor people driving by.  I was surprised to look down at the beep and see 8:47 feeling as easy as a 9:15.  I kept at that pace until 1.7 and kicked it up to race pace.  My head started telling me it was too hard.  That there was no way for me to run that pace for an entire marathon.  I hung on and settled in.  My legs knew exactly what to do and soon enough, my 8:20 pace felt effortless.  I know I can run that pace!  I finished up with 8:27 and 8:17. 

I've had a great day, lunch with my Mom, packing, relaxing and then...

This little miss was headed on her 1st date.  A date with her Daddy to the Father/Daughter dance.  It was so much fun taking her shopping for a dress and shoes and getting to do her hair.  She squealed in delight when I allowed her to wear lip gloss :)  Tonight, was the highlight of my week and something I will cherish forever!  Such a blessing!  Such a gift!!

Tomorrow, Mom and I head to LA. 

Sunday, I will run my heart out.  Pray for friends.  Talk to God.  And smile the biggest smile (and maybe grimace a bit too).

Thank you so much for all your encouragement and sweet support!  It means the world to me!