Good Grief

God started tugging on my heart last week...

I was at our church's Mom's group and the speaker was talking about God's faithfulness.  At the end of her talk, she told us about a project we were going to do.  A project that would have us cutting out pictures/phrases, whatever it was, that represented God's faithfulness over the past year.  As the words came out of her mouth, I felt my heart start to ache.

I stood up and went to stand next to a friend,

"I'm not going to do it."

"Why?"

"Because, although God has been very faithful over the past year, I can't go there.  In all the moments He's been faithful, there has been pain.  It hurts too much.  I'm done crying.  I don't want to cry.  I can't do it."

Fast forward to Sunday at church where our pastor talked about self reliance and self protection.  And that when you choose to be self reliant or to self protect, you are choosing to not rely on God.  You are choosing your own path and God will allow you that because He loves you, but once there, you are also responsible for your self protection.  You are sinning.

As I listened to his words and they soaked into my heart, I realized I had put a wall up.  I was choosing self protection.  I was choosing a path that was not leading me to my God.  I was choosing sin.

We finished the service singing songs of worship and when the final song began, my instinct was to run out the doors of that church.  To run away...

"He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy..."

I wanted to bolt from those tears.  I didn't want my heart to hurt...

"When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me?"

My heart ached and I knew I had two choices.  I could run, or I could choose to allow God to do whatever it was He was doing.  I could choose to self protect, or I could choose to allow God to protect me.

"Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

Yea He loves us
Oh how

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us..."

 John Mark Mcmillan

When my brother was sick.  

When my brother was dying.  

When my brother died.

God spoke to me when I would sing that song.  He would hold me in His arms and tell me that He loves me more.  That He loved my brother and Kristin and the kids more.  That He loved us all more that we could imagine and He knew.  He knew the big picture and He loved us more.  He ached with me.  He loved us...

As I stood in church on Sunday, I allowed the Lord in and I started to sob.  Cory put his arm around me, "what's wrong??"  I could only cry.

After church I spoke with our women's pastor and shared my heart and what had happened over the last week.  I shared how I've not been feeling well and the list of issues that goes along with that.  

Grief.

So much of what I was experiencing could be my grief.  The grief that I was not allowing myself to have because, quite frankly, I had decided I was not allowed to.  It hurt too bad and it's not like my brother was my husband or my son.  My day to day life was not changed because he was not here.  I'm fine.  I just miss him like crazy...

Grief.

I had my first appointment with the naturopath yesterday and after a physical exam, we began going over the health history I had filled out before my appointment.  I told her there wasn't a space for something that might be important.  I was beginning to think that my grief was a big reason for how I've been feeling.

I discovered quite a bit about myself yesterday...

I am deficient in calcium and zinc.

My blood pressure and blood sugar levels are fantastic.

My adrenal glands are pooped and my endocrine system is whacked (my choice of words, not hers)

My central nervous system is not well

My digestive system is not well

My body systems are not in harmony

I am not a mess

I need to give myself permission to grieve and her words? 

"God wants you to grieve.  It's okay to grieve..."

Good grief.

I'm not so sure what that looks like, but I think it needs to start with me allowing myself to cry.  I think it involves giving myself some grace.  I know it involves unclenching my fists and giving it to God.

I'm looking forward to healing both physically and mentally.  I'm looking forward to my next appointment with the naturopath in which I will have all the results of my tests back and a gameplan to go forward.  

Oh and those adrenals and that fatigue?  I asked what that meant for my running.  She was glad to hear that since the half I have been taking it easy.  Easy runs, shorter distance.  She told me that it was okay to continue to run as long as I kept it easy and short.  She also said she would like for me to not train for a marathon until we can get my body healthy.  Deep breath and okay...

Bring on that therapeutic running :)

Off

Have you ever just felt off?

Like something wasn't quite right but you couldn't put your finger on it?

I was driving down the road a couple weeks ago, stomach turning and tired as can be and I wondered, "Is it  normal to not feel well?  I just don't feel well.  Am I a pansy?  Is this how everyone feels and I just can't suck it up??"

I've found myself at the grocery store, tired, stomach uneasy, bagging my groceries and thinking, "man, I don't feel good."

My runs before the Girlfriends Half were labored.  My 10 and 12 milers had me wanting to call for someone to give me a ride home.  I went through my water quickly, I was tired, I was dizzy.  I chalked it up to the warm, windy, dry weather.

My anxiety has been ridiculous.

Going through life anxious, stomach turning, tired, light headed, irritable...

I have been peachy.

I have been trying to suck it up.

The last straw came on Sunday at the half.

I felt normal that morning, well, as normal as I feel on a race day.  Stomach turning, anxious - silly since there was no pressure.  I had no goal.  I was supposed to be running with Marnee, however, because of a distracted driver she would not be able to toe the line.  I had spent zero time actually "training" for this race.  My gameplan was to go out there and do whatever it was my body was capable of.  Sub 2:00 should not be an issue and in looking at what my "easy" pace has been lately, I even thought I could get close to my PR of 1:52 and some change.  I knew a PR wasn't going to happen and I wasn't even trying for it.  Just running to run...

I rode over to the race with Marnee and Jill and as I got out of the car, I saw stars and had to stop a minute, close my eyes and get my bearings.

Everything else felt just like any other race day...

The race started and while I had planned on starting at 8:45-8:50, my legs felt very comfortable at my 8:30 something pace so I went with it.  The miles ticked by and everything felt easy peasy...

8:32, 8:33, 8:35, 8:29, 8:28

At mile 6 I stopped to take my first GU and drink some water.  I have figured out that I don't do well trying to run and fuel and since winning the race is not at stake, I am perfectly fine with slowing down to get my fuel in.

9:00

This was a fun mile!  A friend of mine was a bit behind me and I saw her family headed in her direction on their bikes to cheer her on.  I knew she had a goal in mind and I didn't.  So, I slowed down and headed in her direction as well.  Since I had no goal, I thought it might be fun to help her with her goal.  I cheered her on and gave her a little pep talk.  I was still feeling pretty good but was getting quite thirsty and had decided to leave my fuel belt at home.  Not a good idea...

8:52

Mile 8 and I see my family.  Again, since there was no goal, I chose to give kisses to my sweet fam.  I asked Cory if he had any water.  He didn't.  I was starting to not feel so great...

The water stop was just a bit after the family and I stopped to get some gatorade.  It was watered down and nasty so I went with water.  Gave myself a little pep talk.  Calculated how much time I had left and headed off...

9:30

Running along the waterfront, trying to focus on the beauty surrounding me, not feeling great, wanting to quit.  There was no goal, what was the point in continuing??  I see two sweet friends pass me and I tag along hoping that might get me through...

I make it to a little pedestrian bridge that I have run on fresh legs and I remind myself that it really is a little incline.  And then, my stomach turns and I feel like I'm going to puke.  I tell the girls I'm going to walk.  Deep breaths.  Keeping the puke down.  Light headed.  One foot in front of the other.  I want to be done...

Another sweet friend comes up from behind me and cheers me on.  We fall in step together and I get up over that little incline, excited for the downhill on the other side.  I make it about .25 before my turning stomach stops me again.

9:45

At this point, all I want to do is quit.  I try telling myself that the faster I go, the faster I'll be done.  I try giving myself little goals.  I'm running with my eyes closed, taking deep breaths, trying to get my stomach to settle down, unsure why I'm so light headed and dizzy.  I remind myself that I'm almost there.  I can do this...

10:57

Walk through the water stop again.  Come on, Meredith!  Just finish!  I'm actually able to run for a bit this time, perhaps even .75.  I stop to walk again and a gal behind me says she's been pacing off of me.  Walking when I walk, running when I run, she really wants a sub 2:00.  I tell her she's got it, but it will be close.  Between the stomach churning, I praise the Lord for allowing me to still cheer people on when I'm feeling like such garbage.  Her name is Joy and we decide our next goal is to make it to the big hill.  We'll let ourselves walk up that big hill and then finish strong.  We've got this.

Then, right before that big hill is my family.  And right in Cory's hand is a big bottle of water.  I'm so thirsty, and tired, and light headed and done.  I tell her to go on.  I stop, look at Cory, "I'm not okay.  Something is not okay.  I do not feel good at all."  To which Brenton says, "Are we going to go home??"  I seriously think about hopping in the car.  Instead, I sit down on the curb, ready to cry, trying to get my bearings.  Yes, I was sitting on the curb as women ran by one after the other.  Five minutes or so later, I get up and head to the hill...

13:51

I walk up the hill as my family drives by, arms waving out the window, words of encouragement flowing from their mouths.  Oh, how I wanted in that car...

Come on, Meredith!!  2 miles is nothing!  You can do anything for 2 miles!  I convinced myself that even if I had to walk the last 2 miles, I would still finish.  I did not want a DNF for this race!  I get myself to run until the base of the very last hill.  I try running and my stomach objects.  I walk up the hill...

10:31

As my watch tells me there is only 1.1 miles to go I give myself the biggest pep talk ever...

You can do anything for one mile...

The faster you go, the faster you get there...

I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me...

And then, a girl passed me as she was cheering on her friend.  Her friend sounding a lot like me, "You go ahead, I'll be 2 minutes behind you."  I decide I'm going to cheer this girl on too :)

"Tell you what, how about we both push each other.  I would love to lay down on the side of the path right now too, but let's do this together.  You can do anything for a mile."

The beauty of this race is that it's almost all girlfriends.  So, as I encourage this women, another falls in step with us and another and soon there are about 5 of us cheering each other on.  We can do this!

My pace quickens and honestly, the fact that I just wanted to be done, kicked in more than the desire to stay with these women and I took off.  Passing people right and left.  .25 to the finish line and there are 2 girls in tutus a bit in front of me.  I feel like I'm about to pass out, but something competitive in me kicked in as I told myself I would NOT be beat by the 2 girls in tutus! 

8:26

Racing to the finish I cross the line and am so thankful that my friend's husband is there to lean on while he cuts off my timing chip.  I'm dizzy and ready to fall to the ground as Marnee rushes over...

Final .1.  6:59 pace.  Total time?  2:03:42

"Are you okay??  You do not look okay!  You are really pale!" 

All I want to do it sit down.  She gets me to a table and I take deep breaths, close my eyes and feel like absolute crap.  World spinning.  Stomach churning.  Something is not okay.  I'm not okay...

So tired.

When we get home I get in the shower and my sweet husband comes to check on me every 5 minutes.  My mind is spinning, what just happened??

Crazy enough, my muscles felt fine.  My legs were not the least bit sore.  I did not feel like I had just covered 13.1 miles.  However, I was exhausted!

I have no idea what is going on.

After the race, I wondered if my body is still tired from 3 marathons in 4 months, was Girlfriends so hard because I never really "trained" for it?  Does the fact that I've been so anxious play into it?  Is something going on internally that is causing all of the "off" feelings?

And then, because God is so cool like that, our local paper had a daily deal to go see a naturopath.  Ever since my apparent intolerance for wheat began, I've wanted to so see one.  However, since it's not covered by our insurance it became one of those, "if we ever had extra money just laying around" kind of pipe dream.  This deal allows me to go get a full work up for a fraction of the cost and I cannot wait to get some answers.

Because, quite frankly, I'm sick of feeling off. 

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, in weeks not so far away, there was a girl.

This girl loved to run and write and share her love of running and God with anyone who would listen.

This girl could sit down, for who knows how long, and process complete thoughts and end up with words that, when reread, would make her take a deep breath and feel God's peace as it covered her body and soul.

This girl would float through her runs with a smile on her face...

And, while this girl could get easily overwhelmed, there was always the consistent promise of a run and time with her Heavenly Papa.  The peace, the quiet, running side by side...

And, while this girl struggled with anxiety, there was, again, the promise of that run that seemed to shed all the anxieties from her soul.

Once upon a time, in weeks not so far away, I was that girl.

I miss her.

It's funny, all of my kids are in school now and while Brenton does not go to kindergarten every day, he does go all day for 2 days one week and 3 the next.  What's funny about that is the number of times people have asked me, "Now that all your kids are in school what do you do with all your free time?"

What that question implies, is that, now that my kids are in school, I should have time for coffee dates and lots of TV watching.  That I should I have so much extra time.  That perhaps, I would get bored.  That I could sit and eat Bon Bons all day long.  That I could have endless, uninterrupted conversations on the phone with friends...

Right.

Let's see, now that my kids are in school, I find that I'm far more stressed, far more anxious, there's far more to do than ever before, my runs are about as inconsistent as they can get and my quiet time with the Lord?  Well, that's something else that's not there consistently and to say that I miss it is a huge understatement.  I rarely talk on the phone, coffee dates do not happen and I still have never met a Bon Bon!

The Bible tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I hold onto that truth.  I hold onto the fact that God does not mess up.  But, I struggle with trying to figure out why in the world He would make me the way that I am??

Why can't I be more organized?

Why can't I multi task like just about every other mom out there?

Why do I get so overwhelmed that I end up running around and stressing out all day and yet, to look at my home and family, you would never know it?

Why do I get so anxious?

I ask all these "why's" and all I can come up with is that maybe he made me this way so that even if there is not a crisis, I will still hold tightly to Him.  That I would constantly need to come back to Him.  Because, it seems like more than ever I find myself saying these words...

“For You are my lamp, O Lord;
The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.
³⁰ For by You I can run against a troop;
By my God I can leap over a wall.
³¹ As for God, His way is perfect;

The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

³² “For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
³³ God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
³⁴ He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places."

2 Samuel 22:29-34

I cling to these truths as if my life depends on them.

Because, it does.

I cannot change my life situation.  Nor, do I want to.  Well, I would take a mind that can organize and juggle all that a husband, 5 kids, a dog and who knows how many chickens, has to offer.  But, I can't swap this brain for another, darn it :)

However, I can choose to continue to reach out to my Heavenly Papa and cling to Him, His words and His promises.  

I know that He is always here and that He is forever faithful.  I know that, when I'm running, I experience Him more often then not.  And, yes, I know that I can experience Him even when I'm not running...

All the kids were to be at school on Monday and I was looking forward to a little run in the hills.  Some peace, some comfort, some God.  Then, Ella woke up not feeling well and my plans went out the window.  

There would be no peace.  No quiet.  However, there would have to be a run.  I'm running a 1/2 on Sunday and I knew that I needed to get my runs in this week.  So, I changed my clothes, dusted off the treadmill, tuned the TV to the worship music station and I grit my teeth as I stepped on that treadmill.

I started it at an easy pace and the funniest thing happened...

I found my smile.  

There was God, in the words of the songs, in the room with me, my feet gliding over the surface of the treadmill.  My legs were light, my lungs full of air, I was soaring.

With each song I picked up the pace and my planned 4 mile run turned into 6.

I laughed at the fact that God met me right there on that treadmill.

And then, I told myself that I needed to make my runs happen...  Not because I am a crazed runner who NEEDS the run.  But, because I am an overwhelmed, anxious, Mom and I NEED that time with God.  Because, when I run, He runs right beside me and I NEED Him.  That's OUR time and I NEED it like I need air in my lungs.

I struggle with doing that because I'm a Mom.  I have a "to do" list that grows.  I have a family to care for.  I have, I have, I have.  I feel selfish if I run but do not get x, y and z done.  

However, I feel like without that run, without that time with God, I am falling fast.

So, with a deep breath, I put those runs back on the calender.  With a deep breath I figure out how I can squeeze those miles in, whether they are on the treadmill or outside.  With a deep breath, I wipe my tears and hand my anxiety over to the Lord as we run side by side.  And with a deep breath, I pray that God will continue to get me through each day...

And maybe, at some point, he'll turn me into a superhero that can get it all done.  Oh, wait, then I wouldn't need him.  God, please don't turn me into a superhero  :)