Good Grief

God started tugging on my heart last week...

I was at our church's Mom's group and the speaker was talking about God's faithfulness.  At the end of her talk, she told us about a project we were going to do.  A project that would have us cutting out pictures/phrases, whatever it was, that represented God's faithfulness over the past year.  As the words came out of her mouth, I felt my heart start to ache.

I stood up and went to stand next to a friend,

"I'm not going to do it."

"Why?"

"Because, although God has been very faithful over the past year, I can't go there.  In all the moments He's been faithful, there has been pain.  It hurts too much.  I'm done crying.  I don't want to cry.  I can't do it."

Fast forward to Sunday at church where our pastor talked about self reliance and self protection.  And that when you choose to be self reliant or to self protect, you are choosing to not rely on God.  You are choosing your own path and God will allow you that because He loves you, but once there, you are also responsible for your self protection.  You are sinning.

As I listened to his words and they soaked into my heart, I realized I had put a wall up.  I was choosing self protection.  I was choosing a path that was not leading me to my God.  I was choosing sin.

We finished the service singing songs of worship and when the final song began, my instinct was to run out the doors of that church.  To run away...

"He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy..."

I wanted to bolt from those tears.  I didn't want my heart to hurt...

"When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me?"

My heart ached and I knew I had two choices.  I could run, or I could choose to allow God to do whatever it was He was doing.  I could choose to self protect, or I could choose to allow God to protect me.

"Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

Yea He loves us
Oh how

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us..."

 John Mark Mcmillan

When my brother was sick.  

When my brother was dying.  

When my brother died.

God spoke to me when I would sing that song.  He would hold me in His arms and tell me that He loves me more.  That He loved my brother and Kristin and the kids more.  That He loved us all more that we could imagine and He knew.  He knew the big picture and He loved us more.  He ached with me.  He loved us...

As I stood in church on Sunday, I allowed the Lord in and I started to sob.  Cory put his arm around me, "what's wrong??"  I could only cry.

After church I spoke with our women's pastor and shared my heart and what had happened over the last week.  I shared how I've not been feeling well and the list of issues that goes along with that.  

Grief.

So much of what I was experiencing could be my grief.  The grief that I was not allowing myself to have because, quite frankly, I had decided I was not allowed to.  It hurt too bad and it's not like my brother was my husband or my son.  My day to day life was not changed because he was not here.  I'm fine.  I just miss him like crazy...

Grief.

I had my first appointment with the naturopath yesterday and after a physical exam, we began going over the health history I had filled out before my appointment.  I told her there wasn't a space for something that might be important.  I was beginning to think that my grief was a big reason for how I've been feeling.

I discovered quite a bit about myself yesterday...

I am deficient in calcium and zinc.

My blood pressure and blood sugar levels are fantastic.

My adrenal glands are pooped and my endocrine system is whacked (my choice of words, not hers)

My central nervous system is not well

My digestive system is not well

My body systems are not in harmony

I am not a mess

I need to give myself permission to grieve and her words? 

"God wants you to grieve.  It's okay to grieve..."

Good grief.

I'm not so sure what that looks like, but I think it needs to start with me allowing myself to cry.  I think it involves giving myself some grace.  I know it involves unclenching my fists and giving it to God.

I'm looking forward to healing both physically and mentally.  I'm looking forward to my next appointment with the naturopath in which I will have all the results of my tests back and a gameplan to go forward.  

Oh and those adrenals and that fatigue?  I asked what that meant for my running.  She was glad to hear that since the half I have been taking it easy.  Easy runs, shorter distance.  She told me that it was okay to continue to run as long as I kept it easy and short.  She also said she would like for me to not train for a marathon until we can get my body healthy.  Deep breath and okay...

Bring on that therapeutic running :)