How You Doing?

I have friends who get hit on, who get checked out, who are asked if they're married or single.  And while these things happen to my friends, they just don't happen to me.

And, really, I'm okay with that.  More than okay.  My husband thinks I'm hot and isn't that the most important thing?  Absolutely!

However, sometimes I wonder, seriously?  How in the world?  Am I that hideous to everyone but my hubs?  Silly.  I know.  But, I'm human.

So, imagine my surprise, when I completely got checked out today while on my run. 

Even I knew I was getting checked out...

Cue the music.

Here comes the slow motion.

A man working in a yard stops.

He takes his hat and glasses off.

He wipes his brow.

Then, comes the head nod, the big smile and the "good morning"!

I smile and round the corner.

And then, I see it...

The county work crew van!!

Nothin' like getting checked out by a convict :)

And since I'm cool like that, I couldn't wait to tell my sweet hubs that I'd been checked out - by a convict!!  Oh, I'm thinking I'll get a good laugh about this one for a long time!

Got any good "How you doing?" stories??

Three Things Thursday

Here's to Thursday!  One more early morning wake-up before the weekend!

1.  As Cory and I crawled into bed last night I told him I didn't want to... sleep that is :)  I had been sleeping so horribly because of my cold that I just didn't want to have another bad nights sleep.  Imagine my surprise when I rolled over this morning and felt like an entirely different person.  I'm still crazy congested and coughing, but my head doesn't feel like it's going to explode and I even lay there wondering if I could run today...

2.  How does this not make you smile??

Sweet girl got herself dressed this morning and picked one of my favorite outfits.  Love her!

I love this girl!  She is so sweet and loving and was sure to snuggle me lots yesterday!  My hubby and kids have been so good to me while I've been sick.  My sweet hubs brought me some gluten free chicken noodle soup (yum!), Mr. B drew me a picture of Betsy and wrote his name on it while I took a nap - sneaking in to put it on my pillow, Caden prayed for his Mom to feel better and was sure to ask me how I was feeling this morning, Cole helped with dinner and sweet Jack listened and did what I asked the 1st time I asked!  I am one blessed lady!

3.  I'm still on a high from dreaming big!  Visualizing.  Planning.  Praying.  Dreaming.  This is going to be fun!!  Now, I just need to get better so I can actually get my sweat on and look like this!

This was after my fastest ever treadmill mile - one, hot, sweaty mess!

Happy Thursday!! 

Psycho Avid Runner

Psycho:

a psychopathic or neurotic person.

 Avid:

showing great enthusiasm for or interest in: an avid moviegoer. Synonyms: enthusiastic, ardent, keen; devoted, dedicated; zealous, fanatic. Antonyms: indifferent, apathetic; reluctant.

 

Runner:  

a person, animal, or thing that runs, especially as a racer.

 

I called Julie this morning because I needed some advice and since she is one of the most hard core runners I know, I thought she would be the perfect person to ask.

 

And, to be honest, I thought I knew what her answer would be.  I was wrong...

 

"Um (cough, cough, hack), I'm supposed to do a (sniff, sniff) tempo run today and I know that would be stupid.  So, the question is, would (cough, cough, is that my lung??) you still do a shorter run?  Like 3 or 4 easy miles?  Or 6 easy?(snifffffff)  I'm just worried I might get out there and not be able to get back home." 

 

"Listen to you!!!  No!!  I promise you won't lose fitness."

 

"Promise??  But, I've been doing so good!!  I don't want to stop!  What if it makes me feel better??"

 

"No!"

 

So, what do I do?  I go home, put my watch on and head out the door.  Telling myself that I'll turn around at the 1st sign of problems.

 

.5 in and my headache was gone, I could breathe through my nose, my lungs weren't burning.  Ahhhh...  Bliss!

 

1 mile in, still feeling good.  Taking it nice and easy.  Enjoying the sun.  I'll go a bit more...

 

1.5 in and I see my friend and her husband on a walk, 

 

"You're one of those psycho avid runners, aren't you?"

 

I stop running, start wheezing, and say,

 

"Yep!  I'm totally sick but I thought a run might make me feel better!"  (cough, cough, hack, wheeze)

 

I took the comment as a compliment...

 

Off I go.  Still feeling okay - except for when I stop.

2 miles and I turn around.  Still mostly okay.  I'm breathing through my nose.  Deep breath...

2.5 miles.  Oh no.  My lungs are burning.  My body is aching.  1.5 to go.

Glancing back as each car drives by.  Maybe I'll see my friends.  Maybe they can give me a ride home.  Maybe they'll save me.

Idiot.

3 miles.  I can't go any farther.  My lungs are on fire.  I'm 1 mile from home.  

What do I do??

One foot in front of the other.  

Continuing to glance back for my friend.

Idiot.

Left foot.  Right foot.  Cough.  Cough.  Wheeze.

Idiot.

I wanted to curl up in a ball.  I wanted to be rescued.  I felt like crap.  I felt like I was going to collapse.  I felt like I was going to puke.  I felt like someone was sitting on my chest.

Idiot.

And then, I knew.  I was the fool who had chosen to go for a run when I could barely breathe while sitting still.  I was the fool who didn't turn around when I should have.  I was a fool.

God was going to make sure I took every single step back home.  He was there right beside as I walked with my tail between my legs.  He was there telling me I should have stayed home.  

I was there calling myself an idiot.

I made it home.  Wanting to crawl.  Collapsed on the couch and eventually made it to the shower.  After picking Mr. B up from preschool I made him some lunch and headed for bed.

 

For 2 hours.

I called Julie and told her to make sure to remind me that I should never run with a chest cold again.  I wanted her to remind me because I didn't want to write it here.  I was too embarrassed to tell my husband about my dumb choices.  I didn't want him to know.

But, of course, I had to tell him.

And then, I had to write it here. 

I don't want to forget. 

This ranks right up there with making sure to fuel properly on all runs so I don't bonk.

Lesson learned.

Lesson to remember.

Do not go for a run when you can't breathe sitting still!

Oh, and in this instance, I should not have taken the "psycho avid runner" comment as a complement.

 

Just sayin'

 

Dreaming Big

Dreaming Big.

Dorothy over at Mile Posts talked about it here.

My sweet friend, Julie, has talked about it.

Erin at See Mom Run Far has inspired me to dream big.

And now, I'm ready.

I'm dreaming BIG.

To be honest,  this is hard for me.

As I re-read Dorothy's post, I found myself nodding and saying, "yep" as she wrote these words...

"I never want to share my dreams because I do not want to hear anyone, not even one person, tell me they are impossible. I do not want someone to tell me I can achieve it and then go behind my back and say I am crazy. I keep my dreams to myself."

The only difference?  I even keep my dreams from myself at times.  Deep in my subconscious.  In a place that peeks out and gets shoved back into the, "I could never do that" category.  In the place that gets "joked" about.  You know, the place that will tell people, "Oh, I'd only need to get a 3:40 to BQ.  Haha...  Just kidding!"  While in my head, I think, maybe I could.  I just wouldn't want to admit it for fear of failure and judgement.

And then, a funny thing happened last Friday.

I ran 13.1 in 1:52:21.  On a TRAINING run!  I was not tired.  There was no point where I had to tell myself to just keep running.  There was no pushing through.  It was not hard.  At no point did my legs give me sass.  At no point did I wonder why I was putting myself through the pain of running "fast".  I was just running.  Running at a pace that, quite frankly, I didn't know I could do.

I called my dear friend Mandi and told her what I had just done.  Her response?  "Good job!!  Wow!!  That's a LOT faster than your race time!  Are you completely mental?  What is going on in your head that your race was so much slower?"

Then, I remembered my friend Nicci's words from after last year's Girlfriends Half...  She told me she felt my watch and pace bands had slowed me down.  What??  No way...

Or, maybe.

I was talking to Julie yesterday - comparing the 2 runs.  It just didn't make sense to me.  Julie wondered if adrenaline was the culprit.  Does it just suck everything out of me?  I think my mind is the culprit.  I think that I set limits for myself.  I think that I feel the need to set a time goal in my head and I aim for that goal.  I think I don't set the bar too high for fear that I might fail.  I think I don't know what I'm capable of. 

I think that the difference between Friday's 13.1 and the Eugene Women's Half was that I had no limit set on myself.  I was simply trying to get my miles in.  I had no time goal.  Just miles.  And I was okay if I didn't get all 13 in.  I was okay with 10 or 11.  I was okay.  I ran based on perceived exertion.  I ran based upon what felt good.  There was no trying to keep myself at a certain pace.  I simply ran.

I ran 13.1 miles at an 8:34 pace.  A pace I did not think was possible.  And it's caused me to dream big.

Why can't I dream big?  Why hold myself back?  Why not see what I can do?

I think the key for me is setting goals without setting actual goals.  I cannot say I want to run a 1:50 half.  I think that will limit me to a 1:50 half.  I think that will cause me to believe that I could never go faster.  Does that even make sense??

And then, in the same breath, I do have a time goal.  A big goal.  A goal that I joked about with Cory when I really did say the words, "I only need a 3:40 to BQ".  His reply?  You can totally do that!

He believes in me.

And Julie?  Yeah, she believes in my too.  She told me to put my expected finish time as 3:35 when I was registering for the Eugene Marathon.  Then, we could be in the same corral.  She believes in me.

Now, I believe.

"She believed she could, so she did."

Oh, and what was that??  Did you catch that??

Yep.  Marathon #3 is on the calender.  6 weeks after L.A. 

With a little dreaming and a lot of hard work, I'm going BIG!

And to be perfectly honest, I cannot wait to push my body to see what it's made of! 

Do you dream big?  If not, why? 

Seeing Red

Last week, while Mr. B and I sat at his preschool orientation, I was suddenly elbowed in the ribs.  I looked at my little Man and he said, "don't get a red slip!"

You see, the preschool director had just finished explaining their policy on picking your children up late.  To be honest, I never even heard her.  I was busy, ever so rudely, replying to my husbands text instead of listening.  Therefore, Mr. B had to fill me in.  I would be charged a set amount  of money if I was up to 5 minutes late.  From there, I would be charged on a per minute basis.  I would receive a red slip in Mr. B's folder letting me know what I owed.

Ouch.

My almost 5 year old knows me too well.

I am always late.

So, it has become my goal to never be late to pick up.  Never!

With all our kids in school, I now have the luxury of running during school hours.  I drop Mr. B off at preschool and off I go.  He is always sure to ask how far I'm going and not so gently reminds me not to get a red slip.

Last week, in order to avoid being late, I ran 8 before pick-up and finished up with 2 more on the treadmill after we got home.

Today, I had 13 on the schedule.  To be honest, I thought it would be another day of finishing up after pick up.

13.

13 miles that had me carbing up last night and downing my H2O.  However, this morning, I almost cancelled and left my 13 for tomorrow.  I was seeing red in another way.  Not a red slip from preschool.  Red from you know what.  Red that had me aching and feeling disgusting.  Red that had me wondering if I could really get 13 in without having to rush to a bathroom.

Red.

Then, I realized that if I didn't run this morning, I would have wasted all those wonderful carbs from last night.  That I would have to do that again.  I just didn't want to.  This morning it would be...


I got started a little after 9:00 and knew that I would be happy to get 10 in, perhaps 11...

9:06
9:06

Man, this is feeling good.  Knowing I'm faster that my normal easy pace.  Remembering Mile Posts, See Mom Run Far or Tall Mom - or all three!  You have to run faster to run faster.  Maybe I'll just keep it here for the whole run...

8:52
8:41

This is feeling REALLY good!  It's beautiful outside!  I'm loving this...

8:30
8:15

52:38 at 6 miles in.  Really??  I do the math.  Maybe.  Just maybe, I can get all my miles in...

8:16
8:31
8:28
8:28

1:26:11.  10 miles.  I've got this!!  I won't be late!!  I can get all 13!!!  Here I go!!!

8:31
8:34
8:20

And why not add the .1 for kicks??

44:50 (7:34 pace!)

13.1 miles.  1:52:21.  A 4 minute and 4 second P.R.

Holy cow!

Apparently, all I need to do is run like I'm going to be late for preschool pick up!

One Run. One Million Thoughts.

My run this morning was supposed to consist of 6 miles including 1 warm up mile and 1 cool down mile.  I was to run 3 miles at an 8:08 pace with 1/2 mile jogs in between each mile.  Or, in other words, 3x1600 in 8:08 w/800 jogs.

However, because I once read somewhere that when you do repeats you should be going all out on the exertion scale and because I like to follow the "rules" (even though, I suppose, I'm breaking the "rules" when I don't run at the prescribed pace) I go all out.

To be honest, the only thing that got me excited about this workout this morning was that I would get to jog for a whole half mile when I was done pushing it.  That I didn't have to run the pace for 3 miles straight.  Hooray for breathers :)

I chose to run a different route this morning.  A little more flat.  Only 2 good size hills.  Trying to set myself up for success.  Trying not to self sabotage.  During the warm up I felt like a horse wanting to be let out of the gate.  I continually pulled in the reins to slow myself down.  Slow down.  Slow down. 

8:58

During the first repeat I felt great until halfway through.  Then, it became mental training.  2 times around the track.  Just running home from the school.  1 more lap.  You can do this!  Push!  Breathe.  Push!  Push!

7:13

Thankful for that half mile jog.  Catching my breath.  Not wanting to do it anymore.  Can't I just stop now and run a nice easy 4 miles???

GO!

Pushing almost to a downhill.  Thankful for the steep downhill that's just up ahead.  One foot in front of the other.  Push!  Go!!  WHAT???  At the bottom of the hill are 2 guys working on the sidewalk.  WHAT????  New game plan.  Going to have to turn around ON the STEEP hill.  Screech!  Up.  Up.  Pushing as hard as I can.  Feeling like I'm crawling.  Oh.  My.  Word.  I should just stop.  This is pointless.  What am I doing??  Thanks a lot 2 guys working on the sidewalk!!!  Go!  Go!!!  Go!!!  Half way there!  You can do this!!!  How in the world does Julie keep this pace for SO long??  She is amazing!!  I can do this!  Almost there!  PUSH!!!  PUSH!!!!!!  GO!!!

7:44

Beyond thankful for the half mile jog.  Almost there.  I can do this.  Just one more...


GO!!

Pushing.  Pushing.  Look at my watch - 7:06.  Push.  You can do this!  Go!!  Don't let it slip!!  7:12.  NO!  Push!!  You've got this!  GO!!  7:20.  I must look really sexy right now :)  Why do I want to run faster??  Why am I doing this to myself??  Go!!  Go!!  Almost there!  You can do it!!  BEEP!!

7:30

Oh.  My.  Word!!

Cool down - 9:26

Wow.

I haven't done true repeats in what feels like forever and all I can say is, that I'm truly thankful that all I have on the plan for next week to work on my speed is a tempo run.  Who knew I would ever think of a tempo run as "easy".  Today, today was hard.  I pushed.  I pushed more.  And then, when I thought I couldn't do it, I pushed even more.

That was some serious mental and physical training!

And now, hours later, I'm still tired.  My legs are sore.  My body is showered.  My sweats are on.  And all I can think is, wow.  I'm so glad I did it and I'm so glad I'm done! 

Sexy

I saw this picture on Facebook this morning and it made me smile.

I love my race pictures when my face is strained.  When I am pushing it.  When I am struggling.

And while I love the smiling pictures, I love the pain pictures more.

Why?

Because that is how I know I gave it my all.  That I wasn't a pansy.  That I did indeed push.

To me, that is sexy.

When I do repeats this week, I will be putting my sexy face on. 

I guarantee it :)

Now, YOU, go get your sexy face on!!

Running From Demons

I read posts about confidence and I'm left wishing I had an ounce of that.

I see pictures and I wish that I could look as strong, lean, confident, you name it.

I grew up always feeling like the big girl in the crowd.  My friends were thin.  I was not.

I grew up with a very unhealthy relationship with food.  And my body.

As I've become a runner, I can say that my relationship with food and my body has gotten healthier.

However, it still is not great. 

And while I'm thankful to have found a new love for my legs, there are other parts of me that are not as loved.

There are parts of me that, while I would not trade them, have been brought on by carrying 4 babies in my belly.  There is a stomach that, no matter what I do, will never be firm.  There are breasts that, unless enhanced by an already molded top, can disappear.  There is my rear.  My thighs.  My hips...

The interesting thing is that I am most confident when I am naked or in a swimsuit.  When I can see the muscles at the top of my stomach where there is not hanging skin.  When I can see the muscles in my thighs.  When there is no waistband to cut into my waistline.  When there are no boundaries.  Darn Adam and Eve...

Unfortunately, I cannot walk around naked all day.  Unfortunately, my body gets boundaries.  My waistband cuts into my waist.  My shirt touches my extra skin on my belly.  The muscles, the strength that I have is not visible.

My confidence.  My puny confidence.  Is fragile.

While talking with a friend last week I was asked, "How do I get a big butt?  If I start running will my butt get bigger?"  All said while looking at my rear.

All I could say was, "wow.  Thanks.  Are you saying I have a big butt?"

That's all Satan needed. 

He now had his ammo.

And he has been shooting it at me all weekend.

I could barely get through the process of getting dressed yesterday without tears in my eyes.  All I could hear was how big my rear was.  All I could hear was how gross I was.  It was awful.

This morning as I dressed for my run, I contemplated running on the treadmill instead of heading out to the road.  I did that because I didn't want people to see me.  To see my big rear.  To judge me.  To feel sorry for me.

I was under complete attack.

I ended up heading out the door for my 2 mile shake-out.  It was to be 2 miles at an easy pace.

I looked down about 1/2 mile in to make sure that I was still under a 10 minute pace.  I felt like I was running at such an easy pace.

9:03

It felt so good that I just kept it there.

Then, mile 2 and I began to get chased.  I truly felt like my demons were chasing me. 

You can't run fast.

Look at that poor girl on the side of the road.  She sure is trying.

You shouldn't be out here.

You shouldn't be wearing those shorts.

Your butt is huge!

Demons.

Each step got faster and faster.  My heart pounded in my chest as I tried to tell the lies to shut up.  As I tried to prove them wrong.

Faster and faster.

And faster.

I couldn't feel the ground under my feet. 

I could feel the trees flying by my face.

BEEP.

7:48

I quickly showered and headed to church with the kids.  My sweet hubs wasn't home and normally, I wouldn't even attempt church by myself.  But, I knew... 

I knew my heart, my soul, and my mind needed to be with my Father.

He held me in His arms this morning.  As we sangs words of praise He held me close.  My heart was in His hands.  He whispered His words of love in my ear.  He reminded me of the treasure I am to Him.  He reminded me that He made me and He thinks I am perfect. 

It's funny, these insecurities.  We all have them.  We live with them.  And, on our weakest of days, Satan enjoys every word that hurts us.  He throws everything he can at us.  He tries to steal our joy. 

Satan, you're done here.  There is no room for you.  God's got me.  He made me.  He doesn't mess up. 

Thanks.

Eugene Women's Half Race/Weekend Recap

I went into this race completely unsure of what I was capable of.

I went into this race anxious and undecided.

I went into this race excited and ready to go.

I so obnoxiously lay on the bed Saturday night talking, for what seemed like the millionth time, about what I should do.  Where I should start.  What I should go for.

I was annoyed with myself.

I'm sure it was annoying to be around.

Thankfully, I was with an amazing group of women.  Thankfully, no one told me to get over myself.  Thankfully, no one told me to suck it up.  Thankfully, they were all gracious.  Thankfully, they talked me through my anxiety and helped me come up with a plan.

Thank you my sweet, amazing, gracious, patient friends!

The weekend started when everyone met up at my house so we could drive down together.  I loved that as we all sat in my kitchen waiting for Miss Julie to arrive we were greeted with this...

Oh, how I love you friend!

Ashley, Marnee, Angie and Jill

My babies!

Julie, Jill, Marnee, Ashley, Audrey, Angie, Me

I'm not the best of drivers and have a wee bit (slight understatement) of social anxiety.  Add that to my prerace anxiety and you can imagine the peach that I was :)  I was glad to be able to drive everyone down there in my mom mobile, but I spent much of the drive sick to my stomach.  So lovely.

We arrived in Eugene and headed to Cafe Yumm!  We ate there last year and to say that I was excited is also a slight understatement.  I was elated.  Seriously yummy!  Brown rice, beans, avocado, tomatoes, olives, cilantro, pico de gallo, some amazing sauce and I'm not sure what else.  But, before I knew it, it was gone and I enjoyed every single bite!

We got checked into the hotel and headed to packet pick-up.  We got our goodies and then met up with Kim from (Just) Trying is for Little Girls, Julie from Running On Purpose, and Jenn from My Quest For A Smaller Chest.  This was my first bloggy meet up and I so enjoyed meeting all of them.  I felt like I "knew" Kim through blogging and therefore, as Julie would say, spoke with no filter.  Boobs and sex were the topic within minutes.  Sorry, Kim.  I truly have no filter...

Jenn, Me, Kim, Julie, Julie D. and Ashley

We had an amazing dinner Saturday night at Mazzi's and I thoroughly enjoyed my gluten-free pasta with chicken and pesto.  A-MAZ-ZING!!

Saturday night we settled into bed and I must say, there is nothing more therapeutic than a night with friends.  Laughing.  Talking authentically.  Loving every moment.

We woke up at 6:00 Sunday morning and I laughed a little as all our phone alarms went off at the same time.  Not sure why I thought it was funny, but I found no one else was laughing...

We ate, dressed, chatted nervously and off we went.

I still had no plan.

As we waited we saw Kim again and met Laurie from The (Mis)Adventures of a Jogging Stoller Mom.  A quick photo and I still had no plan.

Julie, Laurie, Kim, Me

My sweet friend Ashley had offered to run with me and pace me.  I felt bad saying "yes" because she is much faster than I am and I didn't want to hold her back.  Thankfully, she did end up running with me.  We came up with a plan and lined up at the start.

Ready to go?

Getting ready to rock her race!

Love you sweet Marnee!

The plan?  Start with the 1st mile at 8:45 and speed it up from there.

GO!

First mile, finding our pace, controlling my breathing, smiling, and then...

Screech!

.6 in and a train blocks the way.  We see the leader heading up an overpass and start to follow only to then hear a guy on his bike telling us that we are going to start over.  WHAT??  I started getting upset.  Okay, a little angry.  Seriously??  We were right on target.  What was this going to do to our time??  And then, as a deep breath fell over me,  I realized, it simply didn't matter.

I would know.

No matter the "official" time, this race was about me, my brain, and my body.  It was about seeing what I could do.  Not about trying to get some official time.  I would know what my watch said.  I would know.

8 minutes and 40 (I believe) seconds later, we were off again.

Settling in (again), controlling my breathing (again), smiling (again).

First mile - 8:46 - perfect!

In honor of Ashley's husband, we were sure to high five at the first few mile markers :)

Cory said this was the best one of our faces.  Love my husbands sense of humor :)

Mile 4 high five

The miles were flying by and at mile 5 I told Ashley, "remind me of this when I get tired.  The amount of good I'm feeling right now is amazing!  I cannot believe how good I feel!"



I took my first GU at mile 5 and was so excited to be able to get it done while running (yes, ever since the marathon, I have walked my GU breaks).  Such a big girl now.

8:34
8:39
8:38
8:37

Still feeling good, a man comes up from behind.  Sergio was on a 19 miler and training for Portland.  Super nice guy that had lots of people cheering for him from the sidelines.  He tells us he is on a team for the Eugene Running Company and that we should come run with them.  So sorry, Sergio, we're from Vancouver.  Thanks, though!  After about a mile of chatting he was off and running, MUCH faster!

Imagine my excitement!  Just found Sergio's picture in the lost and found pictures!

8:35
8:39

Oh no.  Here it comes.  Fatigue.

I knew it.  Ashley said she knew it.  She could see it on my face.  It was getting hard for me to say thank you to those cheering on the sidelines.  It was getting hard for me to respond.  It was getting hard.  I started wondering if I really enjoyed hurting myself like this.  Do I really desire to try and get faster if this is what it feels like?  Is this really fun??  I notice Ashley put herself just a bit in front of me...

8:44
8:44

I look at our times and I love them!  Such consistency and I truly felt so good up until mile 8.  I've heard several runners say the same about this race and it wasn't until Julie pointed out that the last 4 were in a lot of sunshine that I started to wonder if perhaps that's why it became so much harder.  It was crazy.

And then the wheels came off.

You can do this in your sleep!!

You've got this!

Mile 10 and I take my second GU.  Actually excited to gag it down.  Maybe, just maybe, it will give me the boost I need.

Mile 11, I point out where I tripped last year and met my angel.

So excited as I walked around after the race to see my angel again!! 

8:51
9:05
9:25
9:42

I looked at the ground.  Grunting.  Pushing.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.

Running at any pace is faster than walking.

PUSH.

All I wanted to do was walk.  I would not let myself walk.  And truly, I wonder if I would have had Ashley not been 3 steps ahead of me.  At one point, I told her to just go ahead.

Poor Ashley.  I'm not so nice at the end of a race.  Three times she thought I said something.  Three times she looked back and said, "what?"  Three times, I violently shook my head no since I could get no words out.  As she said, "you've got this!"  "You can run 3 miles in your sleep!"  "We're almost there!", I grumbled in my head and wanted her to be quiet.  Apparently, my ears get a little sensitive at the end.  Apparently, I'm a crab.  She was nothing but wonderful and I feel terrible for being such a crab.

Sweet friend, I could not have ran that whole thing without you!  Thank you for being so supportive and putting up with my crappy attitude.  Thank you for every single step you ran with me!

Jill and Marnee

As we rounded the corner to the finish line I saw Julie, Marnee and Jill and then heard Julie, "look at her face".  I knew it wasn't pretty.  I was done.  I was hurting.  I was done.

Almost there!

Finally, we crossed that finish line and I briefly got a smile on my face as I realized my time was just a bit faster than my PR.  A tiny bit.  A whole 5 seconds faster.

Love that we're both smiling!

Glowing.  Yes, it was hot!!

And then, I wanted to collapse.  All I wanted to do was lay down, or sit down, something.  But, there was no where.  I settled on a railing to lean on to catch my breath.

And then, I got disappointed.

I don't know what's wrong with me. 

I've decided races are a bit like Christmas morning, birthdays and childbirth.  So much build up.  Not knowing what the day will bring.  Expectations.  And no matter how great it might be, there's always the let down.  The sadness that it's over.  The desire to press rewind.  The what ifs.  The should haves.  Wanting to relive.  Looking at pictures over and over.  And over.

I think about the fact that just weeks ago, I said that I'd be happy if I could still get a sub 2:00 half.  With no training in July, I felt like I was blessed just to be running.  So, why the let down?  Why the disappointment?  I gave it all I had.  I did not walk.  I did not give up.  I did what I could.

Why am I disappointed?

I'm running my miles easy (mostly) this week.  Putting in the miles.  Enjoying the runs.  And next week, I kick it up again.  Girlfriends is 5 weeks from Sunday and I really want to bring that time down.  I love the course and I'm crossing my fingers that the temps will be cooler.

Shooting for a 1:53.

Here we go!

How I Know I Left It All On The Course...

1:56:25

A 5 second PR.

I felt great until there were 4 miles left.

I held on for 2 more.

And then, my tank was empty.

But, I know. 

I look at this picture just after I finished.

I know.

I gave it my all. 

And that's all I had.

Thankful for my sweet friend Ashley who ran the race with me and kept me going. 

Will share more of my amazing weekend later. 

Off to spend time with my sweet hubs...

Ready, Set, It's Go Time!

One year ago I was recovering from Hood to Coast and gearing up for an amazing weekend with friends.  A weekend that included good food, great friends and an amazing 1/2 marathon.

The Eugene Women's 1/2 proved to be one of my most memorable races to date.  It is where God sent me an angel to get me across the finish line.  And, as for my runnerd self, my post about it even brought comments from famed Mother Runners and authors - Sarah and Dimity. Throw in a comment from a woman who had totally inspired me -author and runner Rachel Toor, and I was left running to the phone and leaving the most crazy message on my dear friends answering machine.  "Rachel Toor just signed my blog!!!!"  Just a bit exciting for my mom of 5 self.

So, here I am.  One year later.  Many more miles under my belt.  A little bit more race experience.  And, here I am, just as nervous.  Telling myself I can do it.  Another goal in mind.  Here I am, picturing the finish line, picturing me as a hot, sweaty, triumphant mess, picturing my mind telling me it's tired, coming up with things to tell myself now.  Here I am with Satan trying to steal my joy.  Telling me that I'm not a good runner.  That I don't know what I'm doing.  That I will fail.  Here I am, proclaiming the truth.  That I am better than what Satan would have me believe.  That I can do this.  That yes, it will be hard, but, I CAN do this.  Here I am wanting to embrace the pain. 

Philippians 4:13

Here I am. 

I have been obsessively checking the weather for Sunday.  Last year, temps were fairly perfect, just a bit warm at the end.  This year?  Sunday's high is set to be 93!  Thankful that I've had many a hot, sweaty, run in the last month.  Thankful for all the hills I have run.  Thankful that the course is fairly flat.  Hoping that my training will have paid off and my 7:18, 7:26, and 8:20 miles on the crazy hills will translate to being able to hold my desired race pace for the full 13.1. 

Here's to hoping.

I spent 2 hours cleaning my mom mobile this morning.  2 hours collecting fruit leather wrappers, 2 month old french fries and broken crayons.  2 hours vacuuming and scrubbing the seats.  2 hours trying to make my suburban look like 5 kids have never ridden in it's seats.  2 hours.  And, oh my, it looks nice!

Ready to pack and hit the road with 12 awesome women.  Ready to eat amazing food and laugh until we cry.  Ready to sell out on race day.

Eugene, here we come!!