Choke

It's funny.

I have issues.

Lots of them, I suppose.

But one, one in particular, bugs me.

I choke.

I told my friend that the other day and she told me I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't call myself a choker. But, really, that's how I feel.

On paper, my repeat times and tempo times tell me I can reach my 1/2 goals.

Today?

4 miles with 2X1600 @ 8:05.

What I did?

9:04
7:18
7:27
8:38

On paper, things look good.

What's funny is that as I took off on my run today, knowing that ideally I would like to get my repeats under 8, I gave myself an out. My head kinda said I'd be happy to hit that 8:05. An excuse before I even started.

I do that.

I don't like to fail. So, if it seems things aren't going to go my way, I'll change my game plan. I'll run for fun. I back off. One more minute (or two) isn't that big of a deal. And really, in the big picture, it's not. It's just that when I get to the end, I know I'll kick myself.

I choke.

I make excuses.

I don't do what, on paper, I'm capable of.

Or, am I just a big talker?

Would I just like to be capable but am not?

Are my goals to lofty?

I don't know.

Just a bunch of self-analyzing over here.

I'm going into this next race with a tentative game plan. And, I don't even know what that means.

Originally, the plan was to shoot for 1:53. Now, as training comes to an end and July was spent running but not training, it seems that's a bit unreachable.

Or, is it?

I don't know.

My plan goes something like this...

Start off at an easy pace of 9 for 2 miles and speed up from there. Perhaps, if I can control myself at the beginning I can "sell out" as G says. Perhaps, I can reach my goal. Perhaps.

It's weird, these mental demons. They stink. I can identify them. I have a hard time dealing with them. Shutting them up...

Only time will tell. Only Sunday will tell. For now, I think I'll try to focus on what the "paper" says I can do. I'll try to picture that finish line. I'll anticipate the excuses. And this time, I really will try to shut them up.

What do you do to get over the mental demons?

Dear Tempo Run

Dear Tempo Run,

Today, you made me feel like crap.

Not craptastic, as in crappy, but good crappy. Not the kind that leaves me wanting to heave but smiling all at the same time. Not the kind that, although I'm left feeling crappy, I'm still glad with the results.

No, today, you just outright made me feel like crap.

The kind of crap that finds you dry heaving on the side of the road. The kind that makes you want to never run again. The kind that makes you feel like a complete and total failure.

That is how you made me feel today.

When Cory called today, I said, "would you like to hear the good news or the bad? The good is, I'm done running. The bad is, my run was really crappy."

I thought about texting Julie these words, "I'm done running and I'm pretty sure all the food is in trouble in my house."

Crappy.

How is it that last week, you left me feeling so wonderful?? 4 miles at a tempo pace of 8:20 or better. What in the world happened???

Cory says it was too hot. I got started too late. Sweet Mandi says it too. Perhaps.

But, really, why must you make me feel this way??

warm-up: 9:36
mile 1: 8:21 (feeling okay. Trying to control my speed and settle in.)
mile 2: 8:15 (big downhill and a couple steep uphills. Control. You've got this.)
mile 3: 8:28 (couple nice hills. Holy cow I'm hot. Push. Push. Push.)
mile 4: 8:41 (BIG uphills. Big. Push. Push even more in the little flat section. Push. Trying to keep it in the 8:30's at least. Mile done. Press stop. Dry heave a few times. Go.)
mile 5: 9:17 (Gasping. I'm done. I want to lay down on the road. I'm dreaming of dousing myself in the hose when I get home.)
cool down: 9:15 (I'm done. Done running. Done trying to run fast. Done.)

Now, all I'm left with is doubt. Doubt I can do this. Doubt I can even get in under 2:00. Doubting it all.

Done.

Tempo run, I don't even know what else to say to you at this point. I'm frustrated, down, and really that's just silly.

The fact is, even if you made me feel like crap today, I can at least still run. I may not run fast, but I can still put one foot in front of the other. I can still feel the breeze on my sweaty face. I can still feel the ground under my footsteps. I can still run and enjoy God's amazing beauty.

So, take that.

And take your crappiness with you.

Meredith

Auria Saves Me In The Hills

Most of my runs are started at the end of my driveway. A wonderful sidewalk takes me 3/4 of a mile up the road and drops me off into a cute little neighborhood. There are no sidewalks in this neighborhood, but the street is wide and the cars there drive slowly. As my watch beeps to tell me I've hit a mile, I'm spit out onto the country roads...

No shoulder.

Many hills.

And thankfully, not too many turns.

Country roads that, although I "feel" safe (most of the time), aren't the friendliest for those running with earphones. There have been times when a quick jump into the ditch is required and those are the times I've been so thankful to hear the cars coming...

Months ago, I was contacted by Auria to review their Exceed Sport Earphones. I excitedly said yes and have written the review many times in my head. However, life happens, and that review has sat, right there, in my head.

When I first put the earphones in, I was honestly worried they would not stay put. They are so light and I was so used to stuffing my earphones into my ears. As I took off on my run I was very pleasantly surprised to find that they didn't budge. The experience got even better from there.

Every time I lace up and grab my music I'm thankful to be able to hear what's going on around me. Thankful that I can hear the car coming from behind. Thankful I can hear the cyclists. Thankful that I'm not the oblivious runner on the side of the road. And really thankful that even though I'm able to hear everything around me, that my music is clear as day and I can still run in time to my favorite tunes.

Auria has really figured out how to do earphones right. Instead of a one size fits all attitude, they know that one size does not fit all and send 4 sets of ECO rings to make your earphones fit perfectly. With a little bit of fiddling, I was able to figure out just which ECO rings fit me best. I love this!

The cord also features an in-line control that allows you to not only control the volume, but also allows for restarting a song, going back one song, skipping a song, and even pausing the song. So nice to not have to reach around to my armband and mess with my I-pod during my run!

I highly recommend Auria Exceed earphones to anyone who's looking to rock their workouts with amazing comfort, clear music and an awareness to the world around you!

**I was given Auria Exceed earphones to test in exchange for my honest review. I was not compensated in any other way**

Best Of

I had a great run this morning. I had originally planned to do my long run of 14 miles today, but, when Mr. B (my sweet 4 year old) climbed in next to me just before 6, I changed my mind. It's not often that I get snuggles with him (he's now Daddy's boy) and I chose to savor that moment... opting to do 4 today and 14 on Sunday.

4 miles to do and I chose to throw some fartleks/intervals in there.

Oh, that felt good!

I averaged anywhere from 9:30-9:40 while running easy and kicked it up from there.

Mile 1: 9:18

Best of?? 7:34

Mile 2: 9:17

Best of?? 6:39

Mile 3: 9:07

Best of?? 5:57

Mile 4: 8:45

Best of?? 5:15!

5 stinkin' 15!

That was fun!

And don't they say intervals help up the calorie burn?? That would be nice. Wishing it would burn off the chocolates and tortilla chips I chose to eat last night...

Kick It

While the last month has brought back the love of running to just run and get a little somewhat free therapy, it has also brought in a lack of confidence and feelings that, come September, I'll just be thankful to be crossing that finish line.

I haven't seen much speed and while there's a small part of me that cares, most of me could care less. It's just not where I've been. And, that's okay.

Yesterday was to be an easy 4 miles and easy it was. However, I let myself pick it up for the last 1/2 mile. As I got closer to home, my legs got lighter and before I knew it I was flying like an eagle - my feet were barely touching the ground. As I finished I glanced down and saw a 5:55 pace. Who doesn't love that??

Today was a tempo run. Something that really hasn't happened in quite some time. Something that I felt too out of shape to accomplish. Something that had me say I totally had it and at the same time, that there was no way.

And, because I'm completely rational and not a bit masochistic, I decided that I would run my tempo on the hills instead of heading for flat ground.

Dang I'm smart.

Or crazy.

Warm up - 9:44 (so proud of my "warm-up"! I usually start out way too fast.)

Mile 1 - Here we go... And wouldn't you know it, it was the music that got me going.

"he's going the distance.
he's going for speed.
she's all alone
all alone in her time of need.
because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse,
he's going the distance."

The Distance by Cake got me completely fired up and flying down the road.

8:17

Mile 2 - Ride the downhill. Push it on the up. Go. Go. And then? At the bottom of a steep climb?

"Kick it!!"

Who doesn't want to hear the Beastie Boys telling them to "Kick it!"? After all, sometimes I do have to fight for my right to party. And fight I did.

8:11

At this point, I was still thinking I was shooting for 8:40's. I truly did not know I had taken the 1st two tempo miles so fast. I felt good. I wasn't gasping. I went for it.

Mile 3 - This one is a killer. 3 steep climbs totaling about 3/4 of a mile. This one gets me every time. I. Pushed. Hard.

8:43

Mile 4 - Oh. My. Word. At this point I started to doubt myself. With 1/4 mile to go I was huffing and puffing and felt myself starting to fall back...

WHAT???

I did not push it that hard on that last mile to stop now. I did not!!

GO!!

8:38

Holy crap.

Cool down - 9:04 - pace at the end? 5:35!

I was the goofy girl with the big smile on her face on the side of the road. I was the dork. And I felt great!

The fact is that I still may not be in good enough shape to really do well in September. The fact is, I'm okay with that. The fact is that I'm proud of my little accomplishment today. I'm thankful for the way the songs fell. I'm thankful for the smile on my face. I'm thankful that God loves me so much that He cares about the little stuff too.

That was a good morning!

Hard. Hot. Hilly. Blessing.

The last week has found me sobbing, laughing, overwhelmed, numb. Thankful, blessed, aching, held. It has been a week that, quite frankly, has taken it's toll.

I cannot believe it's been a week.

A week since my sweet brother was with us...

Cory, Ella, Brenton and I (Cole, Caden and Jackson stayed with my parents) drove home last Sunday for a quick catch-up and scramble before heading back to Spokane/Coeur d'Alene on Wednesday.

The love that my amazing husband and wonderful friends have given me leaves me feeling blessed beyond words. They have laughed with me. Cried with me. Hugged me. They have been there when I've needed them.

On Tuesday, I was able to get out for 6 hard miles in the hot sun. It was supposed to be a tempo run, but it was too hot and I simply could not get my body to move that fast.

Wednesday found us loaded up and back in the car. We've made that 6+ hour drive so many times in the last 3 1/2 weeks that it now breezes by.

There was a run on the schedule for Thursday, but, instead I found myself up early to get ready to go celebrate my brother's life. A day that found me so thankful for my brother and aching for all that he left behind. A day that found me laughing at the silly stories his friends shared. A day that found me breathless as I watched his life unfold in the slideshow. A day that I still can't believe is done.

There should have been a run on Friday, but, instead I found myself smiling and laughing. A trip to the beach with some of our nearest and dearest friends who had come from Phoenix to love us and support us. A day that found us with our hearts full as we swam in the cool lake, as we felt the warm sand between our toes, as we cherished the gift of amazing friends. That night we enjoyed tasty dinner and walked the streets of Coeur d'Alene that was all set up for a street fair. So much fun. Such a gift. Such a blessing.


No run on Saturday. Just a drive home. Home. Sweet. Home.

Today. Today was Sunday. A day that includes church and family. Only today, I couldn't go to church. Rather, I didn't want to. It wasn't because I didn't want to hear from God, but because I didn't want to hear the sound of, "how are you?" Because I didn't feel like crying my face off. Because I just couldn't leave it at okay. Or fine. Or, quite frankly, not okay.

So, today. Today I did church in a different way. Today, I did church with just God. And me. And the road. And my worship music. Today, as I hit mile 4, "That's What Faith Can Do" came on. My brother and Kristin's song...

"Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing..."

As my gut wrenched and my breath was taken away I felt a sudden wave of peace fall over me. God's arms held me tight and there we ran. Step by step. Talking. Crying. He was there. He was there...

12 miles with my Jesus this morning. 12 miles that saw me smiling and crying and not caring one bit what my watch said. 12 slow miles. That were not easy, but were good. 12 miles in the hot sun. On the hills. With my God.

And truly, I wanted more. Had I not said I would be home in 2 hours, I would have kept going. Step by step with my Savior - His arms holding me close. Aching with me. Loving me. Carrying me through.

Heaven

There was a party in Heaven on Sunday.

A huge party.

Complete with baseball games and IronMans...

Chocolate bars slathered in peanut butter and pepperoni sticks dipped in vanilla frosting...

Funny jokes and great big hugs...

A great big party.

Jesus called my brother home and while my heart feels broken I cling to truth and promises. I cling to my Father. I hold onto the joy in knowing my brother is now whole. Healed. Strong.

And oh, how I miss him.

And then, Sunday night, the party grew.

Brenton thought Heaven sounded heavenly. He wanted to go there when he died too.

My sweet boy.

My sweet sweet boy.

He wanted Jesus in his heart.

And so, we prayed.

And he smiled.

And the angels rejoiced.

Praise the Lord!

And now, as my heart breaks I look to my legs. I spend my runs with my Savior. I smile. I cry. I think of my brother and the blessing he is. Thankful to have had such an amazing big brother! I love you Chris!