Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, in weeks not so far away, there was a girl.

This girl loved to run and write and share her love of running and God with anyone who would listen.

This girl could sit down, for who knows how long, and process complete thoughts and end up with words that, when reread, would make her take a deep breath and feel God's peace as it covered her body and soul.

This girl would float through her runs with a smile on her face...

And, while this girl could get easily overwhelmed, there was always the consistent promise of a run and time with her Heavenly Papa.  The peace, the quiet, running side by side...

And, while this girl struggled with anxiety, there was, again, the promise of that run that seemed to shed all the anxieties from her soul.

Once upon a time, in weeks not so far away, I was that girl.

I miss her.

It's funny, all of my kids are in school now and while Brenton does not go to kindergarten every day, he does go all day for 2 days one week and 3 the next.  What's funny about that is the number of times people have asked me, "Now that all your kids are in school what do you do with all your free time?"

What that question implies, is that, now that my kids are in school, I should have time for coffee dates and lots of TV watching.  That I should I have so much extra time.  That perhaps, I would get bored.  That I could sit and eat Bon Bons all day long.  That I could have endless, uninterrupted conversations on the phone with friends...

Right.

Let's see, now that my kids are in school, I find that I'm far more stressed, far more anxious, there's far more to do than ever before, my runs are about as inconsistent as they can get and my quiet time with the Lord?  Well, that's something else that's not there consistently and to say that I miss it is a huge understatement.  I rarely talk on the phone, coffee dates do not happen and I still have never met a Bon Bon!

The Bible tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I hold onto that truth.  I hold onto the fact that God does not mess up.  But, I struggle with trying to figure out why in the world He would make me the way that I am??

Why can't I be more organized?

Why can't I multi task like just about every other mom out there?

Why do I get so overwhelmed that I end up running around and stressing out all day and yet, to look at my home and family, you would never know it?

Why do I get so anxious?

I ask all these "why's" and all I can come up with is that maybe he made me this way so that even if there is not a crisis, I will still hold tightly to Him.  That I would constantly need to come back to Him.  Because, it seems like more than ever I find myself saying these words...

“For You are my lamp, O Lord;
The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.
³⁰ For by You I can run against a troop;
By my God I can leap over a wall.
³¹ As for God, His way is perfect;

The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

³² “For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
³³ God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
³⁴ He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places."

2 Samuel 22:29-34

I cling to these truths as if my life depends on them.

Because, it does.

I cannot change my life situation.  Nor, do I want to.  Well, I would take a mind that can organize and juggle all that a husband, 5 kids, a dog and who knows how many chickens, has to offer.  But, I can't swap this brain for another, darn it :)

However, I can choose to continue to reach out to my Heavenly Papa and cling to Him, His words and His promises.  

I know that He is always here and that He is forever faithful.  I know that, when I'm running, I experience Him more often then not.  And, yes, I know that I can experience Him even when I'm not running...

All the kids were to be at school on Monday and I was looking forward to a little run in the hills.  Some peace, some comfort, some God.  Then, Ella woke up not feeling well and my plans went out the window.  

There would be no peace.  No quiet.  However, there would have to be a run.  I'm running a 1/2 on Sunday and I knew that I needed to get my runs in this week.  So, I changed my clothes, dusted off the treadmill, tuned the TV to the worship music station and I grit my teeth as I stepped on that treadmill.

I started it at an easy pace and the funniest thing happened...

I found my smile.  

There was God, in the words of the songs, in the room with me, my feet gliding over the surface of the treadmill.  My legs were light, my lungs full of air, I was soaring.

With each song I picked up the pace and my planned 4 mile run turned into 6.

I laughed at the fact that God met me right there on that treadmill.

And then, I told myself that I needed to make my runs happen...  Not because I am a crazed runner who NEEDS the run.  But, because I am an overwhelmed, anxious, Mom and I NEED that time with God.  Because, when I run, He runs right beside me and I NEED Him.  That's OUR time and I NEED it like I need air in my lungs.

I struggle with doing that because I'm a Mom.  I have a "to do" list that grows.  I have a family to care for.  I have, I have, I have.  I feel selfish if I run but do not get x, y and z done.  

However, I feel like without that run, without that time with God, I am falling fast.

So, with a deep breath, I put those runs back on the calender.  With a deep breath I figure out how I can squeeze those miles in, whether they are on the treadmill or outside.  With a deep breath, I wipe my tears and hand my anxiety over to the Lord as we run side by side.  And with a deep breath, I pray that God will continue to get me through each day...

And maybe, at some point, he'll turn me into a superhero that can get it all done.  Oh, wait, then I wouldn't need him.  God, please don't turn me into a superhero  :)