Raw

It's a funny thing, processing through a race.  There are so many emotions that go into it...

There is the joy of crossing the finish line.

There is the thankfulness of even being able to be there in the first place.

There is the peace of knowing God knew the day and that you were right where He wanted you.

There is the excitement in hearing your friends BQ'd.

There is a smile that comes from running with new friends.

There is the beauty of running through God's amazing creation.

There are the questions of why you do it.

There is the wondering if you'll ever hit that sub 4:00.

There is not disappointment.

Just questions.

Why?

To be honest, I did not spend my marathon smiling.  The first 10 miles passed quickly and after that, I hurt.  I retreated into my head and it became a constant dialogue with God...

"Why am I here?  What are your plans?  Why do you have me here??"

This mixed with songs...

"My strength alone will never be enough, but you arms keep lifting me up."  Dara Maclean

Why am I here?

"I can do most anything through Christ who strengthens me, I can climb a mountain when I'm 4, even 3!  I can do most anything, put my mind straight to the test.  With Jesus and determination I can do my best!"  Kid's Praise

What are you plans?

"I'd be packing my bags when I need to stay, I'd keep chasing every breeze that blows away, I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away.  It's true.  That's me without you..."  Toby Mac

This one came into my head just as I needed the reminder that it was His race, not mine.

I chose to run without my watch yesterday, I knew that if I had that little baby on my wrist, I would struggle with running for Him.  I would stress about my time.  I wanted it to be His time.  I was truly okay with that.

I chose to run without my phone.  I wanted to completely rely on God.  I did not want the distraction.

At mile 17, I asked to use Katie's phone.  A funny thing was happening...  while I was completely okay with wherever God had me finishing, I was beginning to stress out about the fact that my sweet family and dear friend were waiting at the finish line.  I was wishing they weren't there.  I felt bad for ruining their morning.  I felt bad for holding Katie and Jen back.  I was teary.  I was embarrassed.  I kept telling them to go.  That they could take off.  I told them I hoped their children were more obedient than they were.  They smiled back and said, "they aren't!"  They finally listened at mile 20 and I watched them run off ahead...

I was alone.  No phone.  No watch.  Just me and God.  Right where He wanted me.  If I would have had my phone, I would have been on it.  I would have been texting.  I would have been talking.  Instead, I was asking, "why am I here?"  Instead of texting, I was listening to God.  Instead of distractions, I was focusing on God.  That stretch of road is imprinted on my mind...

The beautiful trees, a bit of shade, the breeze blowing through the fields, the colors of July, the blue sky, the birds, the warm sun on my shoulders, the cottony fluff...

The smile.

The deep breath.

Okay, God, you've got this.

The funny thing is, I knew, going into the race that my body was not up to par.  A week of being sick and living on smoothies does not make a great race.  A lack of training runs does not make a great race.  Three marathons in 4 months does not make a great race.

However, I knew, and held onto the little bit of hope, that God could give me the strength for that great race.  That great being that illusive sub 4:00.

That's not where He wanted me.

He did give me the strength to finish.

He did bless me with an amazingly beautiful morning.

He gave me the best finish ever when Cory ran the last mile with me and the kids raced with me across the finish line.

He truly is amazing.

And now, I look to what's next.

I look forward to some rest.  To short runs and to building strength.  I wonder what's out there for me.  I wonder, with a little ache, if I'll ever see that sub 4:00.  I pray that I do.  I hope that will be in God's plan for me someday... 

And I remain thankful that yesterday was, in fact, a great race.

It was His race :)