Why Me?

It will come as no shock when I say that I'm a bit emotional these days.

Marathon #2 is just around the corner.

I've trained hard.  

I've had amazing support.

I'm in awe at my goal and the fact that I know my body is capable.

I'm filled with awe.

I was driving in the car this morning and tuned into "Move" by Mercy Me.  It already has a special place and fond memories in my heart.  Right before marathon #1, my sweet friend Amy told me to add it to my playlist.  I did.  Not to mention, my other sweet friend, Marnee, had requested I pray for her knee at mile 18.  Just as I hit mile 18, "Move" started playing.  And just as I hit mile 18, Amy and Marnee were both with me.  I thanked the Lord for them and started praying for Marnee.  Of course, because I was praying, I wasn't focusing on the song.  Therefore, I just had to listen to the song all over again :)

I'm not about to give up  

Because I heard you say  

There's gonna be brighter days  

There's gonna be brighter days
 

I wont stop, 

Ill keep my head up  

No, I'm not here to stay  

There's gonna be brighter days  

There's gonna be brighter days

 
I just might bend but wont break  

As long as I can see your face
 

When life wont play along  

And right keeps going wrong  

And I cant seem to find my way 

I know where I am found  

So I wont let it drag me down  

Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
I'm gonna move.  I'm gonna move. I'm gonna move. 

I've got to hold 'er steady  

Keep my head in the game 

Everything is about to change  

Everything is about to change
 

This hurt is getting heavy 

But I'm not about to cave  

Everything is about to change  

There's gonna be brighter days
 

I just might bend but wont break As long as I can see your face

No matter what may come  

Gotta move to a different drum  

No matter what life brings  

Gotta move gotta move to a different beat
 

I just might bend but wont break  

As long as I can see your face... ~Mercy Me

As I listened to the song again this morning, I became overwhelmed with gratitude...  

Today IS a brighter day.  


And as I type this, tears spring to my eyes once again as I marvel at God's goodness.


Here I am.  6 days away from toeing the line at marathon #2.  2 runs to go.  7 miles total.  I am healthy.  I am not injured.  I feel like God's hands are opened up to me and He's saying, "here you go, my love.  My daughter.  Here is a little gift."


I feel unworthy.


I am all too aware that we deserve nothing.  


I am all too aware of pain, of disappointment, of sin.


I am all too aware that just because you've had one loss, does not mean you will not have another one.  


I am all too aware that just because I love God with all my heart, that just because I place my hope and trust in Him, that I am not promised that life will be easy.


I'm guaranteed that it will be very, very, difficult.


I've experienced years of pain.  Of loss.  Of sadness.  Of disappointment.


I've wondered how some people go through life with no difficulty.  I've wondered why we've gone through so much.


I've gotten to the point that I'm thankful for those years.  Those years changed us.  They caused us to grow.  They caused us to cling to our Heavenly Father.


Truly thankful.


And, as I drove today, I wondered why me?


Why do I get to be so completely blessed??


Why do I get to have an amazing husband? 


Why do I get to have 5 children that make me smile, grow me and bless me daily?


Why do I get to have such wonderful friends?


Why do I get to be healthy?


And injury free?


And strong?


Why do I get to be toeing the line in LA on Sunday?


Why?


I have no idea.


But, I know that I'm cherishing every moment of it.  


I know that it is only because of my Heavenly Papa.


And, I know, that even if I did not have Cory.  My kids.  My friends.  My health.  I would still be blessed.  God would still love me.  God would still be good.


I'm just entirely overwhelmed with His goodness towards me.


I'm overwhelmed when I think of running 22 miles with a smile on my face.  


I'm overwhelmed that I missed ZERO of my training runs.


I'm overwhelmed with the bald eagles that flew overhead, with the frost on my eyelashes, with the realization that even though my brother is no longer here on earth, that his legs are always with me.


Completely overwhelmed and completely in awe.


"This hurt is getting heavy 
But I'm not about to cave  
Everything is about to change  
There's gonna be brighter days"

Hurt is going to come on Sunday.  I'm already embracing it.  I'm also embracing crossing that finish line, running a race to remember and praising God the entire way.

Thank you, Heavenly Papa!

Numbers

5.  The number of training runs I have left before the LA Marathon.

23.  The number of miles I have left to run...

16.  The number of miles, if I follow this pace band, that land in the 8:20's (my favorite place to be)

3:40 pace chart vs. my 14 mile training run in which I felt like I could go on forever.  Looks pretty good :)

8.  The number of miles, during a training run, that I ran in the 8:20's.

Countless.  The number of times I've studied this pace chart.

10.  The number of days until LA. 

7.2.  The number of weeks plus 2 days until Eugene.  Funny, it's really not even on my radar :)

41.  The number of minutes it took me to run 5 miles yesterday.

7:42.  The pace I was to hold for 3 miles.  A pace that would have me running my fastest 3 miles ever.

Countless.  The number of times, while driving, that I told myself I COULD do it.

7:43, 7:39, 7:32.  My split times :)

Countless.  The number of times I've envisioned the marathon.  The joy.  The pain.  Visualizing my legs pumping in time.  Visualizing the finish line.  Visualizing 3:40.

I study the paces to prepare.  I've found that when I go into my runs with a plan, I am more successful.  I have a goal to shoot for.  I know what I'm doing.

My only question is if I want to build in more of a warm-up.  Start around a 9 minute pace and speed up from there.  That's what my body is used to.  However, I've also had runs where I've hit it from the get go and felt great at the end too.  Decisions.  Decisions...

Countless.  The number of times I've pulled up the forecast for LA.  Right now, it's looking beautiful - "Colder with occasional rain.  High 65  Low 49."  If only that holds...

I am giddy with excitement and yet I've found myself in a weird place.  To be honest, I wondered what in the world was wrong with me the other day.  Then, I remembered one of my favorite posts from G.  And while I'm not going completely mad - I do not think my leg is broken, my hangnails are fine and I'm not feeling sick.  The mental side of it is there.  I have wondered about my shoes.  I have felt down.  I have been irritable and short tempered.

And, yes, I did sign up for this.

And, yes, I do love it.

And, yes, it is completely and entirely worth it :)

Fear

I hate to say it, but, I'm not the most gracious person.

The plank in my own eye is often the last to be pulled as I stare at the splinters of those that I know.

Funny how we can see others' issues easier than we can see our own log jabbing us in the eye.

I get so irritated when I see people in life who are afraid of success.  I watch them work hard to achieve a certain goal and then, at the last minute, they fall short.  They sabotage.  They just can't do it.

As He often does, God opened my eyes during my run on Friday.

I'm really not so different.

The only difference?

I'm afraid of failure.

So, while those afraid of success at least go for it in some capacity.

I figure out ways to not try at all.  To not invest myself.  To have so many excuses why I should not...

I don't like to try unless I know I'll succeed.

Ouch.

Trying to pull that log out now...

Last week, I printed out 3 pace bands specific to the LA course.  Yes, 3.

3:50

3:45

3:40

I realized that I keep veering towards that 3:50 sheet.  It's safe.  The split times do not intimidate me in the least.  To be honest, it looks like times I would have on a training run...  it's achievable and, unless it's 70 degrees, I believe that I could get that 3:50.

Safe.

I would not have to push my limits.  I would not fail.

Safe.

Fear of failure.

3:45.  At first glance, again, not intimidating.  Splits that I believe this body and mind can handle...  especially, if I was worried about being late for preschool pick-up :)  I actually thought about writing, "run like you're late for pick-up", on my arm for the race.  3:45.  Not as safe as that 3:50, but still on that side of safe.

3:40.  This one, intimidates.  This one, I'm not so sure of.  This one, I could fail.  And yet, if I really look at those times, I think my body and mind could do it.  It would not be a sure thing.  It would take pushing my limits.  It would take a lot of positive self talk.  It would take perseverance.  It would require me to invest, attack and take some chances.

Crap.

Writing this out, I get a lump in my throat and I know what I should do.  If I'm really talking about pulling that plank out, I know exactly what to shoot for...

If only I could pack some key people in my pocket.  I know there are going to be miles that I'm going to have to dig hard.  I will think of my dear family and friends who have supported me every step of the way.  And then, I will think of some runners that have inspired me along the way...  I will think of Leslie who fought through her first Ultra.  Erin and Dorothy who seem superhuman.  Ginny, who always seems to have just the right words that I need to hear.  And T, who in all her honeybadgerness, seems to have zero fear of failure or fear of success.  She charges right in, conquers and kicks some serious you know what!   

My back pocket is going to be full :)

Now, all I need to do is a few training runs, practice my pep talk, envision my goal, that finish line, take a few chances and realize that the only way that I will fail is if I don't try at all :) 

A Blustery Run

I set off for my run this morning feeling positive, rested and ready to hit my times.

I had zero doubt that I could hit my paces.

Zero.

I was even a bit excited.

7 miles.  Warm up.  Cool down.  4x1600@7:16

I took off and ran out of the little neighborhood that starts my run.  I felt peppy.  I felt fantastic.  I was ready.

Then, I got out of the neighborhood and the rain/snow mix started coming down.

The wind started blowing.

Go!

Fighting the wind, dodging puddles, rain and snow stinging my face.  Fingers numb.  Face freezing.  Fighting the wind.  Feeling like I'm standing still.

7:17

Half mile jog.  The wind dies down.  Feeling good.  Go!

Wind at my back.  Dodging more puddles.  I've got this.

7:14

Half mile jog.  Wind is crazy.  Pushing.  Pulling.  Go!

Go!!

Holy cow!!

The wind is insane.  It's pushing me in every direction.  From my back and I'm running sub 7's.  At me and I fight to keep a 7:30.  Oh.  My.  Word!

7:25

Half mile jog.  Wanting to quit.  I'm soaked.  Freezing.  Wind blown.  Tired.  Fighting this wind is taking every ounce of strength that I have.  Go!

Feeling like the Roadrunner.  My legs, spinning in circles.  I should be going faster.  I'm not.  I just might be standing still.  Fight.  Fight.  Fight!!

7:31

Wind pushing me.  Rain/snow soaking me.  I just want to be done. 

.5 mile cool down to get to 7. 

7.14 when I get to my car.  Why not go to an even 7.25?  Shoot.  Why not 7.5?

7.5. 

1:02:03. 

Done.

Had I been running in "normal" conditions, I would have been so disappointed in this run.  However, the weather this morning was insane.  I was pushed and pulled in all directions.  I was giving it my all and that wind was relentless.  I will check the "win" box on this one.  Definitely a win!

The Sweet Spot

After Friday's post, I decided that easy 9 miler I talked about was not going to happen.

I decided that rest was probably more important.

My parents were in town this weekend to celebrate Ella and I knew I wouldn't want to miss time with them.

However, Saturday morning, they were going to go visit with a friend.

And I needed to take Ella to a birthday.

A birthday, that just happened to be down the street from a great running path.

It beckoned.

I kissed my family, gathered Ella and off we went.

My mission for this run was to run EASY.

100%, no doubt about it, easy.

I smiled the entire run.

I talked to God.

I sang.

I stopped at the top of a bridge, took deep breaths and marveled at the world around me.

If I felt myself picking up the pace, I slowed myself down.

It was perfection and just what this tired running mama needed.

I got home and was greeted by Cory and my Mom standing in the kitchen.  All I could do was glow and grin about my run.  As I was thanking Cory for that time, he told me to turn around...

 

My parents surprised me with an early birthday present and all I could think was, "Holy crap!"  A 6 quart mixing bowl for my baking pleasure!  Holy crap!  Something I wanted and never in a million years thought I would actually own.  Wow!!

That is a good day!!

Yesterday was spent in our pj's.  I made waffles in the morning, rolls and cookies (a double batch!) in the afternoon, and enjoyed my family all day long.

It was just what I needed.

Today, back to the schedule.

8 miles, 5@7:54

Doubt.

Then, as I drove to my starting point, I gave myself a little pep talk...

I am rested.

I am hydrated.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I've got this.

Warm-up 1.5 miles
Mile 1: 7:53
Mile 2: 7:46
Mile 3: 7:43
Mile 4: 7:48
Mile 5: 7:45
Cool down: 1.5 miles

I nailed it.

I found my mojo.

As I ran, I sang worship songs, I pushed hard in the rain, I found the sweet spot...  That spot for me of working hard and still being able to smile.  That spot, that line, in which to go in one direction would be too much and in the other direction, too little.

And now, as my "stylist" aka, Ella, does my hair, I have a lump in my throat and I can only praise the Lord for my amazing blessings!

  

Overtrained or Normal With 4 Weeks To Go??

I'm sitting here wishing my hubby was by my side.

I'm sitting here wanting to cry.

I ran my repeats this morning and did not hit my goal.

That's the first time I've done that.

The schedule called for 8 miles including warm up and cool down with 4x1600@7:21.  I warmed up for 1 mile and kept myself slow and then...

7:19
7:17
7:22
7:23

I realize I wasn't off by much, but it's not like me to not get at least a bit under the goal pace.

Wednesday, I tried to run my 16 at race pace and didn't even come close.

Monday, was the usual Monday run of feeling like an elephant.

I haven't even gotten all my runs in this week, I have yet to do an easy 9 miles.

Am I struggling because I'm overtrained?

Is this just what I can expect with 1 more hard week to go before taper?  That's what I keep telling myself...

1 more week and then I can "rest".

This is only marathon #2 for me and while training wasn't "easy" for #1, it wasn't like this.  My mileage is at a place it's never been.

Is it just normal to be feeling this way??

I'm not going to fail, right??

I realize I'm hormonal.

I realize this is not the end of the world.

I also realize that I set goals for myself and I feel like I'm failing.

gulp.

Please tell me I'm not alone!

Stepping away from the running thoughts.

Time to celebrate a sweet little girl and her 7th birthday!

22

Today, I ran 22 miles.

Right now, to say I'm sore doesn't even cover it.

My buns, quads and calves are "zinging", as I like to say.  I can feel my muscles screaming at me.

I am tired.

Today, I ran 18 miles strong.  Then, it became all about mental strength.

My goals were simple...

Don't go out too fast.

Don't push too hard at any time.

Work on your endurance.

Complete 22 miles.

I was tempted to stop at 21.

I was really tempted to stop at 21.5 when I had to run past the street my car was parked on.  Who likes to run past their car with 1/2 mile to go?

I've been working on my strategy.  To not go out too strong.  To get progressively faster.  This is my goal for race day.

Today's times...

9:25, 9:23, 9:16, 9:15, 9:07, 9:05 - Right on target.  Heading to the 8:50's...

8:51, 8:50, 8:49, 8:54, 8:58, 8:53, 8:57, 8:58, 8:55, 8:58, 9:02, 8:57 - Fading...

9:26, 9:07, 9:39, 9:17 - 4 more.  That's all.  4 more.  Fighting.  Sideways rain.  22.  How bad do you want it?

My mind started telling me that I couldn't do it.  That a sub 4 was out of the question.  That I was slow.  And then, I started to remind my feeble mind...

On race day, I will have tapered for 3 weeks. 

On race day, I will not have run 8 of my fastest miles just 2 days before.   5 of those miles at a sub 8:00 pace. 

On race day, I will not have spent the entire day before scrubbing and cleaning my house.

On race day, I will be rested.  

On race day, I will have completed ALL of my training.  

On race day, I will be ready. 

My body aches.  

I don't want to move.  

And yet, I'm smiling.  

22 miles done.  

Done.  

God sure is good!