Free

Cory and I were driving in the car just days after the Eugene Marathon and my ears tuned into this song...

 

Hurting heart and broken wings
Cannot stop Your love from always finding me
No more days wasting away
I finally realize the gift inside of me

My strength alone will never be enough
But Your arms keep lifting me up

You tell me I've been made free
You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams
You whisper words that free my soul
You're the reason I have hope
You're everything I need and more
You made me
You made me free

I was caged in, then You opened
Every door that held me bound and You gave me the key
No more pressure I can just breathe
The girl I tried so hard to be, has always been me

My strength alone will never be enough
But Your arms keep lifting me up

You tell me I've been made free
You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams
You whisper words that free my soul
You're the reason I have hope
You're everything I need and more

Now I'm free to love, free to live,
Free to take my life and give it all to You

Oh, you tell me I've been made free
You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams
You whisper words that free my soul
You're the reason I have hope
You're everything I need and more
You made me
You made me free
You made me
You made me free

~Dara Maclean~

With tears falling down my face, I praised the Lord for the gift He had given me.  I felt free...

Free from the weight of failure and disappointment.

Free from the pressure.

Free.

I cannot do any of it without Him.

Kinda takes the pressure off :)

He frees me from the lies.

He frees me.

He frees me as long as I allow Him to...  It's easy to get caught up in it all.  Sadly, it's easy to listen to the lies in our heads.  It's easy to start to think that we have some sort of control.  It's easy to let the burden get so heavy that we fall under it's pressure.  It's easy to think we're alone.  It's easy to spiral...

It's hard to unfurl our hand and give it all right back to Him.  Why do we hold on so tightly?  Why do we let those lies penetrate our hearts?  Why??

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well."

Psalm 139:14

God's got it.  

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,  

and I will give you rest.   

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.  

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

 Matthew 11:28-30

Always. 

“For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?

God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect."

2 Samuel 22:32-33 

How Did That Happen??

I've been juggling...

End of the school year projects,

End of the school year activities,

Housework,

Errands,

Never ending loads of laundry,

Yardwork,

Running,

My kids (I've only dropped one so far)...

Kidding.

For those that know me, they know that I'm no good at juggling.  I can't even say that I'm good at it for even a short period of time.  I, flat out, stink at juggling.

Stink!

When life starts throwing balls at me and I have to juggle, I tend to shut off.  I shut off to my friends.  I shut off to my responsibilities.  I shut off and want to curl up in a ball and rock myself to sleep.

That's where I was at the end of last week.

Then, the weekend happened.  It was busy, but all with good stuff...

Friday night we were able to attend an amazing event remembering our dear friend's son and helping to raise money for the Children's Cancer Association.  It was an awesome event and although our kids were lucky to have gone due to their "peachy" attitudes earlier in the day, I was thankful to have given them some grace.  It was a blessing to be there.

Saturday morning, I was blessed, yet again, to be able to run with my sweet friend, Marnee.  She has been working her butt off (quite literally!) training for her very first 70.3.  Saturday was her last long run and I loved being able to join her for 5.36 of it.  She headed off to run more and I bolted through the last 2 miles to my car with my last times looking like this... 8:38, 8:01, 7:59.  Finishing with a smile on my face and sweat dripping off my body.

I raced home to shower and head off to the local parade.  Our family walked down the hill to enjoy the festivities, give hugs to friends, catch candy and make the trek back up the hill.  Getting home just as the rain started to pour from the sky.  It was wonderful!

Saturday night, Cory and I were able to have a little date where we ate some yummy food, spent some time with his sister and brother in law, and laughed and had fun together.  God blessed us with a wonderful evening that made my heart so very happy!

Sunday was church and homegroup and more happy hearts.

Pure bliss...

Cup refilled to overflowing...

Deep breath...

Monday.

Back to the daily grind.  Back to life.  Back to reality.

Tired.

I had 7 miles on the schedule.  4 miles fast with .5 mile jogs in between.  It was that line of wanting to and not.  Knowing my time is limited this week.  Knowing that if I did not get it in, I would not get all my runs in for the week.  The hours ticked by.  I was getting stuff done.  I had not gotten my run in.  The kids got home from school and Cole very sweetly let me head out the door.

Off to the track.  Unsure of what my body could do.  And, to be quite honest, I felt like the fat girl at the track.  The elephant.  The old mom.  I wasn't feeling so hot.

9:08.  My warm up felt great.  Deep breaths.  Getting my breathing regulated.  Giving myself a pep talk.

GO!

"You are good,

you are good,

when there's nothing good in me..."

"Oh, I'm running to your arms,

I'm running to your arms,

the riches of your love,

will always be enough,

nothing compares to your embrace,

light of the world forever reign!"

6:57

1/2 mile jog.

GO!!

Singing my song.  Giving it to God.  Pushing.  Breathing.  G was right there on my shoulder...

"You can do anything for .4!"

6:52

1/2 mile jog.  Catching my breath.

GO!!

Third verse and the 4th verse, same as the first.  And, the 2nd :)

6:55

6:56

I may have felt like the fat girl at the track, but my legs showed the fat girl who was boss and kicked some serious tail.

I left knowing it was my best run in months.  What I didn't realize until later was that it was my best set of repeats EVER!

How did that happen??

While I'm thrilled to be running marathon #4 on the 4th of July (oh, that's fun!!), I've definitely noticed that my body is tired.  My legs have not had the pep that they've had in the past.  Runs have not been easy.  But, as I've said, I know God has me there for a reason and I'm so excited to see what's in store.

I did not go into my run yesterday expecting anything stellar.  I didn't even have a set time goal for my repeats.  I'm really trying to listen to my body.  I'm trying to avoid injury.  I'm trying to be smart.  Those times leave me in awe.

I fully believe God filled me with a little extra oomph yesterday.

I fully give him all the glory.

My body, on it's own, has not pulled times off like that.

My body, relying on God, pulled out those times yesterday :)

“For You are my lamp, O Lord;
The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.
³⁰ For by You I can run against a troop;
By my God I can leap over a wall.
³¹ As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

³² “For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
³³ God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
³⁴ He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places."

2 Samuel 22:29-34

Thank you, God!!

Now, on to Tuesday :)

Rabbit Trail to 16

It's funny to me, I'm such a plan girl.  I follow my plans to a "T".  Well, sort of.  The pacing is not always the same.  But, the miles?  I stick to those like my life depends on it. 

And now?  I am not following any sort of plan.  I have a smartcoach plan printed out, but I'm not sold.  I've found some online and written those down, but I'm not sold.  Rather, I'm not committed.

Do you know what happens when someone is not committed?? 

Complete indecisiveness.

I'm counted weeks.  I've looked at the calender.  I've looked at the plans.

I'm clueless.

Last week, I was scheduled to run 18.  I had childcare all taken care of, I was excited, ready, set...  sick child.  That was Friday.

I clearly felt the Lord was calling me to trust Him.  He is bringing me to the starting line on the 4th of July.  He has a plan.  I'm choosing to trust Him and know that He knows best.  I was not stressed about missing that 18.

And, with that, I was kind of hoping that sweet hubs would send me on my way on Saturday morning.  However, if he didn't, I was trusting God.

Saturday was a wonderful day filled with yard work, organizing some stuff in the house, laughter, sunshine, giggles, family time, an amazing thunder and lightening storm, ice cream and a movie.

I was quite thankful to have not run on Saturday :) 

I might have missed some of that amazingness.

God truly is good.

Sunday morning was as lazy as it gets.  Drinking coffee with my sweet hubs by my side, lounging, enjoying our family.  Off to church, the store and Cory's sister's house to celebrate her birthday.

Day 2 of perfection.

Day 3 of not running.

By Sunday night, I was crabby.  I had not had my time with God.  My quiet.  My run...

On Monday morning, I had a great run!  Tempo paces, listening to my body, hard run.  It was good!

Tuesday, a run was on the back burner if I had time. However, I was honestly so crazy with life that it didn't happen.  No worries, Wednesday would happen...

Right.

Preschool had a different schedule and I discovered that all the parents stayed for the last day of preschool festivities.  I would not be the crappy parent that went for a run instead.  I could run once all the kids were home from school.

Right.

I was weeding.  It was hot.  I was beyond tired and ready to curl up in a ball in my nice cool sheets.  So very, very tired...  So very crabby.  Should have ran.  Had nothing to give...

And then, excuse the crude humor, but my "uterine lining looked like the elevator from the shining."  Did you see Saturday Night Live with Will Ferrill???  There was a skit about Stay Free Maxi pads and I laughed my face off. 

With that, I knew exactly why I was so stinkin' tired.  I knew exactly why I was so crabby.  I knew exactly why I had wanted to crawl in a hole all week.

So fun.

Rabbit trails.

16.

Yes, that's what I was talking about.

16. 

Or, 18.

I just didn't know.

I sent a text to Katie and G.  I truly could not decide how many miles I should run.  Maybe they could help me...

Katie responded first.  16, 18, 20 is what she suggested.  16 it would be.  16 in the rain...

I felt great for the first 5 miles.  I was soaked.  I felt strong.  I was smiling and singing.

9:08
9:01
8:52
9:01
8:31

I took my first GU, took a deep breath and continued on.  Singing, smiling, feet sloshing in my shoes.

8:35
8:23
8:28
8:46
8:32

Still feeling pretty good.  Second GU taken, still smiling, still singing, even wetter.

Screech!!

I am pooped.

8:50

5 more.

Text from G saying to go 18, 16, 20.

Text back, already turned around for 16, pooped, soaked, hot, tired...

G ran the next 5 with me while I pushed through.  Texting here and there.  Pushing...

9:01
9:11
9:15
9:22
9:17

Not so pretty.

Walked up the hill.  Feet sloshing.  Muscles tired.  Smiling.  Dripping wet.

That's the dog catching the water dripping off my shirt :)

Soaked to the gills.

Technically, to me, the run went well.  I had some really great miles in there just running what was comfortable.  Of course, I believe that led me to struggling the last 5.  And struggle, makes me wonder what in the world I'm thinking. 

And then,

Then, I go back to the fact that God wants me there :)

That makes me smile.  That makes me have peace.  That makes me know that no matter what, the 4th of July is all in God's hands.

Trusting that God's got this!

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way to 8 Miles

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;  I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10

Last week I texted a friend right before my run.  I didn't want to go.  I was tired.  I was crabby.  The only thing that got me out the door was that I knew I wouldn't regret it.

I didn't.

It felt wonderful.

Yesterday, I was blessed to get to spend the morning with my hubs and Mr. B.  We got home around 11:00 and I had to make a decision.  Go run and leave them.  Or, stay home and skip the run.  I was very tempted to skip it.  But, I knew I wouldn't regret it.

I didn't.

I pushed hard through my repeat run.  Giving all my body had to give.

7:32

7:31

7:29

7:33

I finished with a smile and headed home to snuggle and play games with my boys.

This morning, I woke up feeling refreshed.  Then, as the kids grew noisier and my patience grew thin, I just didn't want to... 

I sadly removed my cozy jammies and stepped into my running clothes.  I didn't want to...

I drove to preschool drop off.  I kissed B goodbye.  I climbed back in the car.  I wanted to curl up in a ball.  I did not want to run.  I just didn't want to...

I decided to run from home instead of the same old preschool route.  A homing beacon attached to my body.  I could feel myself opting out.  Home.  Run.  I didn't want to...

I started calculating my miles.  I could just do 6.  8 was on the schedule, but 6 wasn't too shabby.  6 would take less than an hour.  I could do 6.

I pulled into my driveway and the sky started spitting.  I don't love running in spit.  I didn't want to...

I walked to the end of my driveway, took a deep breath and headed up the hill.  I didn't want to...

I approached the .75 mark and thought about turning around.  I didn't...

I hit 1 mile and a tiny smile started on my face.

I was singing my song.

Mile 2, this feels good.

Mile 3, do I turn around??  I didn't want to...

And as I ran this song played in my head...

"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us, oh

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If  His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...

That He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves."

John Mark McMillan

And, as I ran, I realized...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;  I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10

Dirty little devil.

That little stink face was NOT going to win this one.  That little stink face could just shut up.  That little stink face has NO place in my head.

Go away Satan.

And with each footfall I sang to the Lord.  With each breath I breathed in His love for me.  With each declaration of God's love, I squashed Satan to the ground.

Satan sure is crafty.  He knows I run for the Lord.  He knows the place it has in my life.  He knows that through running I grow closer to God.  He hates God.  He hates me.  He doesn't want me to run.

You suck Satan.

God wins.

He loves us,

Oh, how He loves us,

Oh, how He loves us,

Oh, how He LOVES!!

The Time God Blew Me Away

3 weeks ago, I fell more in love with the marathon than I thought I could.  Rather, I fell in love with marathons with God.

There was a stirring in my soul.  Wondering why I get to love the run as much as I do.  Feeling like there has to be something more.  Feeling like God must have a reason for making me the way He has. 

And while it could just be that He is filled with joy just by seeing me being filled with such joy, I don't think that's it.  I believe that it can't just be about me.  It's just not.  There's more.

What is it?

I've been praying, I've been listening, I've been thinking.  There are lots of thoughts bouncing around in my head...

There's been this little race that's been enticing me for months.  But, once LA and Eugene were both firmly on the schedule, I just put it on the back burner.  The budget was spent.  My family had endured plenty of training months.  I let it go.

And then, Eugene happened.  Or rather, God happened :)

My happy happened.

This little race beckoned.

Then, on Daily Mile, a friend made a comment telling me I should run this little race.  I had already spent enough on races for the year and I commented that the only way it would happen is if God dropped the money in my lap. 

I truly was praying that.   

I had a talk with God one day.  I felt silly.  There are so many bigger things.  And yet, there I was, telling the Lord that I wanted to run this little race.  Telling Him that I only wanted to run it if He wanted me to run it.  That the only way I would be there is if He made it happen.  I also asked that my family would have supportive hearts if He wanted me there.

I had no idea what that would look like, but, God is God.  He can make anything happen and His imagination is SO much better than mine :)

And I continued to pray.

I told 2 friends.  I did not tell my husband.  I wanted this completely in God's hands.

Days before Mother's Day, I was listening the radio.  KLove was having a Mother's Day Contest.  You could send them a message of what your perfect day would be for a chance to win that perfect day.

I'm simple.

My first thought was, "I get perfect days all the time!  My perfect day is a day with my family that ends with dinner on the back patio with my family.  The breeze blowing through the trees.  Our skin, kissed by the sun.  The smell of the barbeque.  The birds chirping.  My perfect day has my kids running through the yard with the dog as my hubs and I sit back, watch them, and smile. 

I already have perfect.

What more could there be?

And then, I knew, my perfect day would have me waking up at O'dark early on the 4th of July.  It would include me running a marathon at 6:30.  Running 26.2 miles with God and hundreds of other runners.  Feeling the warm July sun (or wet mist that often happens on the 4th) on my skin.  Coming home to a wonderful hot shower.  Spending the day with family and friends.  Friends laughing.  Kids giggling, playing.  Perfection.

Maybe this would be how God would make this happen.  I'd win the contest.

Like I said, God's imagination is so much better than mine.

I didn't win. 

And, I was fine with that. 

If God wanted me there, I would be there.  If not, well, I wouldn't.

I did laugh, however, when I heard what the winner's perfect day would be, a trip to Disney World with her family.  Way to think big, Mere :)

Completely at peace, I prayed.

And then, on Mother's Day, I sat down to check my email.  What awaited me blew me away...

A message from someone I met on daily mile.  A message that, said the most wonderful things.  A message that said that my blog has brought her closer to God.  A message that said, my blog is my ministry.  A message offering to to pay for my entry into this little 26.2 on the 4th of July.  I sat there with tears streaming down my face.

"Honey, I have to tell you something."

I proceeded to tell my sweet hubs what I had been praying.  I read him the message.  I asked how he felt about it.  He too, was blown away.

God is so cool!

To me, it's not just about the fact that He answered my prayer, that He wants me there.  While that is amazing in and of itself, that's not all that blows me away.

What blows me away is how God weaves our lives together.  I share my thoughts.  He stirs the hearts of others.  He stirs my heart.  And somehow, he orchestrates these stirrings to happen together and we all get to be blessed...

What blows me away is the fact that I have always wondered why I'm here.  I have friends that just know their purpose.  They have the voice of an angel.  The lead like a shepherd.  They have wisdom and discernment.  They know why God has put them here.  I have always wondered why in the world I am here.  I have felt like the silly little girl who shares her thoughts about God and running.  Who shares it because she feels like maybe, just maybe, someone might be blessed by it.  But, I've always felt silly.  And little.

And really, I may be silly.  And truly, I am little next to my God.  But, God can make big things happen.  And, right now, I feel like He's using me in His big plan.

I have a purpose.

God has given me a gift.  I love running.  Through running, I have found myself, I have found my happy and more importantly, I have developed a relationship with God that I cherish and am not even sure I can explain.

He blows me away.

I pray that He continues to use me.  Whether it be through my thoughts that are written down, whether it's through conversations at races, perhaps it's just the smile on my face when someone needs a smile.  I will keep shining for God, looking for what He has for me, listening to where He wants me and loving every mile.

I sit in awe even as I type this.  Excited to be able to share this story, God's story, with others.  Humbled that God would use this love that He's given me to bless others.  That this little girl who has longed to have a purpose, does in fact have purpose.  That I am exactly who God has made me to be.  That He doesn't mess up.  He's just been patiently waiting for me to be ready.

Thankful for a friend I've never met for blessing me and for listening to God!


Thankful for my Heavenly Papa who blows me away!!

It Had To Be and Things I Learned

4:19:33

That was my time for Eugene.

Just in case anyone was wondering.

Faster than Vancouver. 

Slower than LA.

Exactly where God wanted me to be.

4:19:33

I've ran twice this week.  One 4 miler and one 6 miler.  Two runs in which I kept it easy and rarely looked at my watch.  Two runs in which I kept slowing myself down - knowing that I just ran a marathon on Sunday.  I debated even going on a run today.  Not because I didn't want to, but because I know that my body needs to recover.  However, I have a fantastic little head cold that only 2 things seem to clear up.  Things that get my blood flowing.  Running and well...  And, although I am no longer running 40+ miles a week, my stomach seems to think that I am and wants to be fed.  A lot.  And, when I have a head cold, I tend to feed my cold with carbs.  And, those carbs head straight to my waist and thighs when I'm not running 40+ miles a week.  And...

If you give a mouse a cookie...

Getting back to the point.

4:19:33 is what it had to be.

My runs this week, my easy runs are laughable.  Wednesday, my average pace was 8:45.  Today?  8:46.  And I was debating doing more...

I start wondering how it is that I can run those easy paces when I could barely sustain those paces for 10 miles on Sunday before grimacing. 

I start to question my moment with God.

I start to question it all.

But, then I go back to that moment, the chills, His voice, my burden being lifted from my shoulders and I know that 4:19:33 is what it needed to be so that I could give it entirely over to God.  So that I could have that moment.  So that I could have that clarity.  So that I could know without a shadow of a doubt that running is a gift.  That it fills my cup.  That it makes me smile.  That I could remember exactly where it comes from.

"His way is perfect"

Had I met any "goals" on Sunday, I don't think I would have had the same moment.  Or rather, the same results.  I could have said "I" did it and praised the Lord for that but taken the credit. 

I did nothing on Sunday but get out of the way and let God shine through.

I am so grateful for the way it had to be.

However, even though I know that my race day happened exactly like it needed to happen, it also taught me quite a bit...

I wonder why I can't seem to go long on race day.  I've taken a look at my training and have also looked at future plans.  I'm excited for the next go round and know that longer tempos and more miles at marathon pace are most likely what this body needs.

I learned that I don't embrace pain.  And, I don't want to.  It's not who I am.  I'm learning to be okay with that.  This is hard for me when I start to worry that other runners are going to think I'm an idiot or a pansy or worse.  And then, I remember that moment with God and I don't really care.  I'm on my own journey.  I won't judge them.  I hope they don't judge me...

I learned that I really really love the marathon.  Oh, wait, I already knew that.  This only made me love it more :)

While I've smiled this week, I've also wanted to pull the trigger on another race.  Too bad I can't figure out some way to have someone throw some free race entries my way :)

For now, I'm trying to figure out what the next few months will look like while I'm not training. Cory looked at the calender last night and said, "I thought you weren't training for anything??" I had mapped out my runs for the next couple of months and most weeks were at 30 miles and above. Nothing grand, no runs longer than 10 miles. All my happy distances. Building my base. However, I should probably do a little research and see what's best to do in the off months.  Any suggestions??

This post had been a little here, there and everywhere which is where my brain seems to be this week.  A mish mash of thoughts.  Thankful for praying, writing and running to get them all sorted out.


Have a great weekend!

Happy Defined

I was talking to Julie yesterday.  Telling her I can't wait to run another.  And another.  So excited to just have some fun...

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but does that mean..."

It was a good question.

A question that had been going through my mind all day.

Now that God's given me this gift...

Now that I have this clarity...

What do I do with it??

What does "Happy" mean to me???

Happy

I will still follow a training plan

I will still do tempo runs

I will still endure and push through repeats

I will still savor the long run

I will cherish every single step of every single marathon

I will run with a plan and when my smile starts to fade, whether it's mile 10 or mile 22, I will find it again

If that means walking, I will walk

If that means making a phone call or sending a text, I will do it

I will cheer runners on as they pass me

I will encourage those I pass

I will smile as I cross that finish line
I will praise the Lord for every single start, finish and every mile in between

A girl named Rachel left a comment on my last post.  In that comment was a quote...

"if ever I should cross a finish line and feel disappointed over my time and my performance, the marathon would no longer be a transcendent event for me. It would have lost its meaning, and devolved into drudgery and work...So far, though, that day had not yet come, and each marathon finish was a life-affirming event for me, whether I ran my best time or my worst, because in each marathon I did my best, and that was cause enough for celebration."  Jeff Horowitz

Thank you, Rachel!

This quote says it perfectly. 

I look forward to finding my happy in each day.  In each race.  I look forward to lots of smiles.  

I know that as long as I have my "Happy" I will never suck at running again.  Ever.

So now, I challenge you, what's your "Happy" look like?  

Go find your "Happy"!