Happy Birthday

To be honest, I've had a hard week.

Not hard because my kids overwhelmed me.

Not hard because my life overwhelmed me.

Not hard for any reason other than it's my birthday.

Hard because all I've been able to think about this week is my brother.

Hard because I've thought about how, last year, we spent spring break with my brother's family and my parents.

Hard because, last year, he was here.

Last year, he could call me to say, "Happy Birthday".

Last year, I could hear his voice.

Last year, he could hug me.

Last year, I could see his smile.

Last year, he was so sick and ornery that, to be honest, I had a hard time actually being with him.  My skin was not thick enough.  I could not suck it up.

Now, I just wish that I could have spent more time with him.

That my skin had been thick enough.

That I could just hear his voice.

That I could just see him smile again.

That I could just see the, "Oh, Meredith," look he would give me.

That I could just hear him tease me.

That I could just hear him challenge me.

That I could look into my brother's blue eyes and he could tell me he loves me.

That he could wrap his arms around me and hug me.

Oh, how I miss my big brother.

I didn't want to do my birthday this year.

Add that to the fact that my birthday fell on Easter, and I really didn't want to do my birthday.

I mean, really, how in the world can I bring up my birthday when we're celebrating the sacrifice Jesus made for us all.  My puny little birthday is nothing next to Jesus dying on the cross. 

Nothing.

I just didn't want to do it.

However, after crying many tears.

After many, many patient hugs from my husband.

Cory looked me straight in the eyes and told me we were celebrating my birthday on Saturday.  We were going to go on a date.  We were going to celebrate me.

And each morning he'd announce how many days until my birthday.

And Saturday morning he sent me on my way to celebrate with a friend who's running Boston.

And Saturday afternoon, he kicked me out the door to go run, telling me I would be so glad I went.

And after said run, all I could do was thank him for pushing me out the door.  It was one of my best tempo runs ever.

And Saturday evening, we went on a date. 

We strolled through Lululemon.  

We ate at P.F. Changs where I had my very favorite gluten-free lettuce wraps.  Cory opened my fortune cookie...

He believes in me that I will crush Eugene.  He told me I need to believe it too.

We braved the aisles of Whole Foods. 

In Portland. 

A store I've never been in and I can't say that I ever want to enter again.  I'm fairly certain all those in the crowded store could tell that I drove a gas guzzling Suburban, that I have 5 kids and that I don't care if I eat organic foods.

I told Cory we needed to get out of there and get out of there fast!

We strolled through the aisles of Target, shopping for Easter treats for the kids.

And then, we headed to the movie theater where we watched The Hunger Games.

And I smiled and held my sweet hubby's hand. 

And I enjoyed my day. 

And I forgot about my sadness.

Until Sunday morning.

My birthday.

Easter.

Tears fell all through church.

Tears of sadness. 

Tears of thankfulness.

"Happy Easter!" and "I'm fine" all morning long.

What my heart said was, "Happy Easter but no, I'm not fine".  But, who says that on Easter?

A couple of much needed hugs from friends.

Lunch with my sweet family and home for snuggles and a movie.

The sun was shining.

It was Easter.

It was a beautiful day.

My heart hurt more than it has in months.

Tears.

Tired of sadness.

Every thought leading back to my brother.

I miss him.

On Saturday night, Cory thanked me for getting another year older.

I told him to thank God.

I'm 35.

My brother was 36.

Every day is a gift.

I'm learning it's okay to be sad.

Jesus was sad.

I can be sad.

I'm just really ready for my happy to come back.