Peace, Love, Happiness and 1,000 Miles

To be honest, the last couple weeks have been difficult.  My head has been deep in thought, my heart has been sad, my patience has been gone, I've wanted to run away, I've cried, a lot, I've been attacked by the enemy, I've yelled at my kids, I've been a crab.

It has not been pretty.

As we drove to church on Sunday, my husband said, "you're really crabby."  To which I could only respond, "Yes, I am."  And after church, he carefully pointed out that all I do is whine about how much the kids drive me crazy.  Yes, I do.  I apologized and let him know that it had been a hard week and I had been under attack.  By who?  Satan.

That night as I crawled in bed my sweet husband told me I was hot...

It was just what I needed to bring me back to reality.  I needed to hear something positive.

You see, the attack that I was under had me hearing the most terrible things...

I was a horrible Mom.

A terrible wife.

An awful friend.

I was annoying.

I talk too much.

I'm fat.

I'm ugly.

And the only one I could undeniably refute?  He tried to tell me I was out of shape too.

I curled in a ball one night reminding myself, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

To top it all off, my brother has been constantly on my mind.  I miss him terribly.  I miss his laugh, his teasing, his hugs, his voice...

Like I said, it hasn't been pretty.

Yesterday, I was to run 3 miles.  Only 3.  Less than 30 minutes.  3.  And yet, I couldn't.  I was too tired both mentally and physically.  While I knew it might help perk me up, I knew I just didn't have it.  I was showered and in my pj's by 4:00.  I snuggled sweet B on the couch.  I made dinner.  I cried.  And cried more.

This morning, I was cold.  I was tired.  I had 8 miles to run and wasn't sure if I had it in me.  Physically, I was fine.  Mentally, I wasn't sure.

However, there was something special about this morning.  This morning, I would reach 1,000 miles.  I couldn't pass that up.  I thought about running my favorite route from my house, but the fog was too great and I didn't feel it was the safest choice.  I grabbed some shot bloks just in case I felt like running 10 or more, bundled up and headed to drop B off at preschool.

I had no intentions as far as pace or distance, really.  At this point, I knew that if I had time, I wanted to run 10 or more...

As I took those first steps, a smile spread across my face and never really left.

I spent the run praising the Lord for each step of my 1,000 miles.  I reflected on those miles.  The run that had me running by "Chris's field" the morning before he passed.  Stopping to look in awe at God's creation.  The miles that I spent weeping and enveloped in my Heavenly Father's arms.  The miles that left me with a peace I could not comprehend.  The miles that had me wanting more.  The miles I spent praying for friends.  There were joyful miles and painful miles.  Miles I pushed and miles that pushed me.  I thought about people that inspire me.  I thought about those who believe in me.  I sang songs.  I smiled.  What a gift!

This run was my little reminder.  It was God blessing me.  "See daughter, this is where you have been.  I have been there every step of the way.  Do you see all your blessings??  You are blessed!"  All I could do was smile.

Thank you my Heavenly Papa!  Thank you for the reminder.  Thank you for the miles.  The peace.  For loving me.  For the smile on my face.  I love you!

Perhaps

Perhaps I knew the first car that hollered out the window as they drove by...

And, perhaps I knew the next one.

And, maybe, just maybe I knew the 2 guys that honked at me as they made their way down the road.

I'm guessing the 4th one HAD to be someone I know as they honk, honk, honk, honked (I'm truly hoping I knew them!)

Perhaps I knew each and every single one of them.

Or, perhaps, it was the Zensah sleeves and the Lulu skirt that the hot sweaty mess wore as she ran focused down the path.

Who knows what was going on with the 2 honks and 2 hollers...

What I do know is that I felt strong today.

8 miles for the 3rd day in a row.

8 miles that found my quads a bit tired.  My calves happy from the compression sleeves.  My mind elated with the break from my sweet babes and the quiet and the beauty of fall.

8 miles that had me pushing at the end.  Pushing past comfortable.  Pushing through fatigue.  Pushing on the 24th mile in three days.  Pushing.

Finishing feeling strong.

Deep breath done.

Ready to jump back in to the cuddles and craziness of my sweet babes.  Here I go!

Thank you Sweet Amanda

It's been a week full of fighting kids and chaos.  Errands to run and exhaustion.  I've been short on patience with my kids.  Shoot.  I've just been short on patience period.  Add to that the fact that I didn't feel great for most of the week and you have a peachy mother runner on your hands... 

Then, on Wednesday, I read Amanda's post about looking at the world through the eyes of a child.  It was just what I needed.  A deep breath.  An attitude adjustment.  A blessing.

I was not thrilled as I carried a big box of produce into the house from our garden.  I wasn't thrilled because I was tired.  And I didn't feel good.  And, quite frankly, I didn't care if the produce went bad.  I didn't want to peel and cut the carrots.  I didn't want to take care of the zucchini and the corn.  I.  Didn't. Want.  To.

I was acting like a child.

Then, as I washed and peeled the dirt covered carrots, I was filled with wonder.  They were beautiful!  I had never seen anything like it...

  

I quickly called Mr. B into the kitchen and he was just as amazed as I was!  We stood there, at the kitchen sink, staring.  Eyes filled wonder.  Filled with as much excitement as my 5 year old.  It was a blessing.  The blessing continued as we tasted our first purple carrot together.  Pure bliss!  

I was so thankful to have read Amanda's post.  Had I not had that reminder, I may have passed up the moment.  I may have kept my grumpy eyes on and missed it...

Thank you, Amanda!

Blogland is so funny to me.  I have met women that I never would have met.  I have friendships with women across the country.  All of them bring a smile to my face.  They inspire me.  They encourage me.  They push me.  They cause me to pause and think.  They amaze me.  

I feel so blessed to be able to have my dear friends who do life with me and those that I don't know well but cherish all the same.  God has poured abundant blessings on me!

On a completely different note, I laughed when I saw this picture today...

 

Here, let me zoom it in for you... 

I realize it's blurry, but can you see my face???  That is the face of a girl who is frustrated and trapped!  Note to self:  Get to races much much earlier so you can take care of business BEFORE the race starts!

Girlfriend's Half Marathon 2011

It's been 3 days since I ran the Girlfriend's Half Marathon.  Three days that I've been processing the race.  Three days of feeling a little blah about the whole thing.  Three days of wondering why in the world I'm so blah...

In the days leading up to the race, I had zero anxiety.  I was not putting pressure on myself.  I was not building the race up to be more than it should be.  I would start to think about pace and finish times and make myself stop.

I truly went into the race with no goal in mind.  Okay, maybe a small hope for a 1:50, but, really, my only goal was to go hard as long as I could.  To never tell myself, "I can't do this."  To enjoy the run.  To never tell myself to hold back.  I knew, going into it, that with my "plan" I would either fall on my face or succeed.

As I talked to a sweet friend before the race she skeptically asked if I would keep the 1st mile easy.  When I explained the reason for my "plan" she stood behind me 100%.  My race was an experiment.

I get so mental when it comes to races.  Anxiety takes all my energy.  I believe, that's why 1:56:xx was my number for 2 halves in a row.  I held myself back too much.  Not wanting to give too much too soon.  By the time I was down to the last 4 miles, I was done.

I didn't want to continue that pattern.

The problem with not building up a race?  I think it led to me being neither excited nor disappointed about the race.  It led to me wanting to do another half sooner than later.  It's an interesting place to be...

I think that I'm also struggling with the fact that this race was not what it was last year.  There was no Girlfriend's dinner the night before.  There were so many friends who were no longer racing.  It lacked the "specialness" of last year.

Add to that, the fact that Harmony is heavy on my heart.  That Harmony was supposed to be there.  That Harmony was not.  That she now faces an entirely different kind of race.  It feels weird to me to even to talk about it...

As I thought about just letting it go.  About not even blogging about it, I realized I can't do that.  My blog is my journal.  It's my history.  I would be skipping a page if I didn't write it out.  So, even with all the blah, here it is...

 Sunday morning started with a surprisingly calm tummy and wide eyes.  I checked Facebook as I drank my coffee and ate my oatmeal and saw a message from Jill.  As we chatted, I asked if she was going down to the race with anyone.  She wasn't.  I offered to pick her up.  There.  That's a little better.  At least I would be heading to the race with a friend :)

I loved that as I pulled up to Jill's house I noticed that we were twins.  So fun!

Taken from Kim's blog

 I had thought we had given ourselves plenty of time.  However, by the time we had stopped to talk to friends I was having to go to the bathroom bad and the port-o-potty line was less than friendly.  I hopped in line after making sure to ask the person in front of me if she was also in the potty line.  Didn't want to assume.  After what was probably 5 minutes we found out that we were NOT in the potty line.  Seriously???  As a group of us shifted to the actual potty line I got ticked and went to check my bag.  Thankfully, Kim was there saying I should get back in line.  Thankfully, she offered to check my bag for me.  Thankfully, when she came back and we stood in the line, she told me I needed to go before the race.  That it was chip timed.  That my time would NOT start until I did.  As I tried to keep warm by jumping up and down, I was REALLY glad that I had stayed in line.  I finally made it to the front of the line and threatened to take anyone down who got between me and the potty.  Seriously.

As I did my thing, I heard everyone take off.  This was NOT my idea of a good start...

I bolted from the bathroom and found myself in a sea of walkers.  Walkers.  Walkers.  Everywhere.  It.  Was.  Crazy.  And frustrating.  Holy cow.  I found myself irritated.  Trying to keep from saying, "are you kidding??"  Walkers lined the road from one side to the other.  It was a wall of people and I was trying to weave my way through the masses.  I continued to weave for about 2 miles until I was able to get on a sidewalk while everyone else was on the road.

8:39
8:18

425 was my Canadian friend :)

 I saw my family around mile 2 and was so excited to hear them cheering for me.  I gave high fives as I passed and kept on focusing.  Around this time, one of the runners asked me, "how far is this race?".  I didn't even know what to say.  I looked at her wondering, really??  You just decided to run a race not knowing the distance?  I finally answered with, "13.1 miles.  Is this your first half?"  Big sigh of relief as she explained that it wasn't and that she was from Canada.  Made me laugh a little.

The miles flew by and I stayed focused on my body.  Wanting to walk the line of pushing hard, not wanting to be comfortable, but not pushing so hard that I wouldn't be able to keep the pace.

8:16
8:13
8:00
8:17

I was starting to feel it.  Half way there.  Don't stop now...

8:28

There's my family.  Oh, how I love them!!

Come on, Meredith!  Hold on.  Don't think, just run.  You've got this.

Then, I heard it, I had just passed Eryn and Julie and clear as day I heard Julie, "Don't think about it!!"

I was fading.

8:36

Here comes Julie, she throws her sign on the ground and runs with me up the hill.  At this point, my average was 8:22.  At this point, I was just trying to hold on.  At this point I reminded myself that I had committed to this experiment.  I couldn't back out now.  I couldn't waste it.

Julie got me up the hill and told me to fly on the downhill.

8:39

I was losing it.  I wanted to walk.  I told myself that any pace was faster than walking.  Mindgames are so funny.

Around mile 10, there was an aid station.  I had some gatorade in my pack, but it was so sweet.  I was hoping theirs would be better.  I walked a few steps as I drank it down.  Then, I saw them, Eryn and her Mom and their camera, "Do NOT take a picture of me walking!!!"  With that, I heard all the volunteers start laughing.  I wasn't kidding.  I had not worked that hard to get my picture taken during the 5 walking steps of my half!

8:56

Can I be done now?

The girl in the Luluskirt whom I had kept in my sites the entire race.  The girl I had passed on the hill with Julie, passed me.  I never saw her again...

9:23

My family.  My sweet family.  Oh, how I love them and oh how I did not want to run up the hill that was just past them.  At the top of the hill I thought about walking again.  I didn't.  But, I was sure tempted.  Girls started passing me one after the other.

9:33

The final hill.  Eyes on the ground.  I don't even want to look at what I'm climbing.  Focus.  Focus.  You're almost there.  It's okay if you want to puke.  Shoot.  It's okay if you do puke.  Don't stop now.  Kick it.  GO!!

9:01

I gave it all I had that last half mile.  I knew that I was within reach of a PR.  I knew that I could rest when I was done.

 I was so happy to see the finish line.  I was so happy that I was sure I had PR'd.  I was so happy to see my family.  To hug my husband.  Done.

After the race, Jill, my Mom and I headed to Lapellah for lunch with Julie, Ashley, Kim, Amanda, Tasha, Jill's friend and 2 of Tasha's friends.  It was so fun to be able to chat and laugh and celebrate girlfriends.

As I think about my little experiment, I'm glad I did it.  Looking at my times, I really feel like a 1:50 is within reach.  If I were to hold back the first mile or 2 and bump it from there, I think I could make it happen.  I'm almost thinking I might just race myself in a couple of weeks experiment a bit more.  We'll see.

Oh and my time? 

1:52:11

A 4 minute 14 second PR.

Experiment considered a success!

 

A Little Half

I have a little half marathon to run on Sunday that, quite frankly, I haven't been talking about too much on here.  Last year, I had many posts talking about my goals and the race and what I was doing to prepare.  This year, I'm trying to ignore it.

What??

Ignore it??

Yep.  Ignore it.

As I was reading through last year's posts, I came upon this post and a conversation with my sweet friend.  The following is from my post...

"The Monday after the Girlfriend's 1/2, I so sweetly called my friend Nicci and ever so lovingly told her she could suck it. Yes. Those were my words.

Over the weeks leading up to the 1/2, Nicci's FB status would lead us to believe she was overindulging in chocolate and ice cream and doing very little training. So, when she pulled a 1:52:58 for her 1st 1/2 EVER, I felt the need to congratulate her like only a good friend could.

Bite me.

Aren't I a great friend? I did, however, go on to say how proud I was of her. How amazing I thought she was. And, begged for her to train me. Okay, I didn't beg, but I did comment on her training regimen.

You know what she told me?

That I should've done better.

That's a good friend.

She said that based upon my training times and what she runs, I should've done better than she did."

And then, there is that little 13.1 mile training run that I ran in 1:52:21.  Yeah.  That one.  The one that when I finished and called Mandi I was asked, "Are you mental??  Why was your race so much slower??"

So thankful for friends who tell it like it is :)

Here's the deal.  I think I build it up too much.  I put too much pressure on myself.  Anxiety takes over my body and I think that by the time it comes to the race, I have wasted so much energy being anxious that I have nothing left.  I don't do what I can do.  I do what I think I can do.

I do have a goal for Sunday.

And I do think I can do it.

My goal for this race is to make sure I don't go out too fast for the first mile and then I can let myself go.  I'm not going to be wearing a pace band.  I'm not going to be holding myself back.  I'm not going to rely on my watch to tell me how fast I should be going.  I'm just going to run.

As for everything else, I'm trying to ignore it.

Remind myself that there is no pressure.  There's no reason to be anxious.  My body will know exactly what to do.

Moles, Rats and Biscuits, Oh my!

The days are getting shorter and darker and the rain seems to have come for it's fall/winter/spring stay in the NW.  And, in all honesty, I don't loathe it like many.  However, it does take a little getting used to...  I tend to get a little quiet, a little down, a little withdrawn when it first shows up.  But, I think this is God's way of getting me to slow down.  To enjoy what my life is.  To cherish the comfy clothes, reading with my kids while snuggled in front of the fire, hearing the rain blow through the trees...

It's days of baking and sweatpants.  Days of pony-tailed hair and rain boots.  Days and days of coziness...  Oh, who am I kidding, that pony-tail is always there :) 

Yesterday, I prepared for dinner ahead of time.  I was determined to make a roast that would fall apart.  A roast that my family would love.  Determined.  I started my searing the sides in the morning. mixing together various flavors of yumminess and putting it ever so carefully in the crockpot.

What I love about the crockpot??  It gives me the entire day to get everything else done.  Do work in my daughter's classroom, get LOADS and LOADS of laundry done, to run and become a hot sweaty mess on the treadmill, to shower, to do homework with the kids AND even make biscuits too! 

I'm terrible at multi-tasking while cooking.  My family rarely gets side dishes because it's all I can do to get a main dish on the table.  Seriously.  It's usually chicken and rice and broccoli.  Those sides I can do.  Anything else and forget about it!  So, last night, while the roast cooked, I decided to attempt homemade biscuits.

I pulled out my trusty dusty Joy of Cooking and followed the directions step by step.  I was talking to my sister and told her that I figured if I messed them up, at least it was only flour, milk, salt, butter and baking soda that I had wasted.  I was not optimistic that they would turn out...

The timer went off and would you believe it??  They looked so tasty!  What sat before me was a tray of biscuits that Pillsbury would have been proud to call their own.  They had buttery layers.  They were golden.  They looked so tempting!  I'd be lying if I told you I didn't consider eating one.  However, my brain was smarter than my stomach and knew that a sleepless night due to my wheat allergy was not worth it. 

While my family sat at the dinner table ooing and ahhhing over my biscuits we talked about our favorite parts of the day.  When it came to my turn I couldn't list just one.  The smell of pumpkin muffins baking when I picked B up from preschool, working in E's classroom, running, getting laundry done, the biscuits, oh and the fact that my dog caught her very first mole and I killed it!!  Yes, my friends, I killed my very first mole.  There was no squeamish screaming.  There was no hesitation.  I just took that shovel and took care of it.  Stupid mole!  Take that!  That's for digging up my strawberries and poppies, and yard.  Dumb mole.

When it was my husbands turn he finished with, "oh, I didn't tell you.  I found a dead rat in the barn the other day.  It was this big and it's tail was this long."  Seriously????  Oh.  My.  Word!!  While I can handle a mole, a rat was a whole other story.  SICK!  I went ahead and let him know he didn't need to share that...

It's been days of cherishing life's moments.  It's been days of coziness with my kids.  It's been days of reflection and prayer...  Praying for my sweet friend Harmony over at Keep on Keepin' On.  She has been on my heart and mind constantly.   She is facing some trials that have made my heart heavy.  God and I have been having LOTS of conversations about her and her family.  Would you join me in praying for her family? 

Cherish your days.  Cherish your family.  Cherish life's moments...  .you will never regret it.

I've Been

I've been celebrating and reflecting...

My baby turned 5 on Sunday and I've spent the last week thinking about the fact that when he was born, my oldest was 5.  And the fact that when the oldest was 5 he had 3 younger siblings.  And the fact that when the oldest was 5 he felt so OLD.  And now, my baby is 5.  And he does NOT feel old.  And I cannot imagine him with 3 younger siblings.

I've been reflecting on all that's happened in the last 5 years.  The fact that the son that was the oldest when Brenton was born become the 2nd oldest 1 year later when Cole joined our family.  The fact that when B was born, Cory's dad was here.  And so was my brother.

I've been counting my blessings that God blessed us with this sweet boy.  Who loves to hold my hand and snuggle.  Who will stop what he is doing to tell me he loves me.  Whose smile lights up the room.

Five!

I've been cherishing these sweet moments...

I've been cheering for a wiggly jiggly loose tooth to make it's exit...

I've been running here and there and everywhere since these cuties went back to school...

 I've stood in awe watching the sunset...

 I've been loving on this sweet pup that just turned 1 and is such a love...

I've been running hard and getting the miles in.  Pushing myself.  Focusing.  Dreaming. 

I've been sick and been slowed down.

I've gotten a bit better and sped up.

I've thought about determination while running repeats.

I've hit mile 902 for the year.

I've been overwhelmed and over scheduled.  Which causes me to want to shut down.  From everything.

I've been praying and seeking prayer from dear friends.

I've been thankful for a husband that loves me, listens to me and encourages me.

Life has been crazy.  All good stuff, but crazy none-the-less.  I've found myself so overwhelmed that I want to say no to a run.  And then, then, I get out there and God reminds me of my blessings.  My deep breath in the run.  My time with him and time in my own head.  My pulse slows and a smile comes to my face just thinking about it.

Life is busy.  Blessings are abundant.  God is good.