Look Away

I'm wondering if this is just all part of the marathon roller coaster...

I've felt strong. Excited. Confident. Proud. No regrets.

Right?

Then, day by day, it's farther.

It's now been a week.

And, if I didn't have a plan, I'm sure that I would be searching out the next marathon. Wanting to do it all again.

Right now.

Other than my 2nd toe in on both feet, my body feels better than I thought it could. I ran an easy 2.25 on Tuesday and while the 1st mile was slow, the 2nd mile felt amazing and I was surprised when my sore quads felt better after than they did before the run. On Wednesday, I went out for 5 and the miles flew by. A refreshing deep breath with a smile on my face the entire time.

This weekend, I hope to head out for 4-6, but, we'll see. I weeded all day yesterday and although I used sunscreen, I'm sporting a nice sunburn right where my sports bra needs to go. To be honest, it hurts to have a t-shirt touch it - having a hard time thinking about a sports bra rubbing against it!

That fresh air is calling though...

And then, like a dumb thief in the night, I've started doubting and regretting. Darn it!! For whatever reason I started thinking about my time yesterday.

My marathon time, my 4:21:42, has not disappointed me up until yesterday. It's tried. It has. As I looked at my watch last Sunday and I got to the last half I started to get disappointed. I made myself look away. There's a reason I haven't posted split times. I don't want to look.

Last night, I started wondering. Where was I at 20 miles? What was my time?? My stomach churned to think about it. I pushed it to the back and forgot about it until this morning.

Crap.

Why did I look?

Now, I want to cry.

Now, disappoint creeps in.

Now, I want to run another marathon RIGHT NOW!

Crap.

3:00:11

That's my time at 19 miles.

Then, came the big hill.

3:12:06 (that hurts to post that)

That's my time at 20 miles.

If I had hydrated better.

If only I hadn't walked up that hill.

If only.

I want to cry.

Crap.

4:00 was within reach and all the if onlys are creeping in.

Trying to hold on to the fact that it was my 1st. Holding on to the fact that I loved it. That I want to do it again. That I get to do it again. That I get to learn a little something every time.

Wondering if I will remember this next time? Wondering.

Now, I'm pushing it to the back. Now, it's time to enjoy my husband, my giggling kids, my yummy cup of coffee and the amazing sunshine that streams through my window.

Have a wonderful Sunday!