A Fluke

I remember when I got my first positive pregnancy test. And the positive tests I continued to take for many days after. All positive. All saying I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant. And yet... when I went for my first ultrasound I thought, "oh no! What if I'm not really pregnant? What if I get in there and they see nothing" That those tests were just a fluke??"

I keep feeling that way about my runs. Before I ran 7 for the second time I thought, "there's no way I actually ran that! Can I really do this??"

I mapped out my 12 miler for the weekend and REALLY?? I ran THAT far?? It must be a fluke. My friends watch must have been wrong last weekend. Because, it surely did not feel like THAT far!

I start to doubt myself even though I KNOW I've already done it. And I KNOW that I'll do it again. And I KNOW that it felt amazing. And I KNOW I've got more to give. And more to go.

But, there's just something about knowing you ran that far and seeing just how far that really is!

I told a friend that I drive around clocking how far I've gone. Always amazed when that thing turns 13 or 26. Amazed because as I drive around town that mileage seems crazy! She told me she just doesn't go there. It's too much of a mental thing. I think I'm understanding now!

However, if I flip it around. If instead I say, "I ran that far!!" An exclamation. Not a question. Owning it. Enjoying it. Savoring it. It might just make these butterflies calm down in my tummy. And I can tell my self-doubt to just shut up!